noodle's on the floor

My Dad

2012-01-27T21:56:00.004-05:00

The wisest man I know, thought for the day:

What emotion is holding you back

from doing what you want?

What emotion is holding you back from your dreams?

the word

2012-01-25T09:00:00.003-05:00

the other night i was house/dog sitting

i was real tired, had a long day,

and just found that my dog tore apart the birthday present

i was making for mom...

i got into bed and was starting to fall asleep when i had all sorts

of demonic crap start

all sorts of junk that woke me up before i had even really fallen asleep.

yuck.

i tried saying the name of Jesus and doing a little praying

but ended up crossing the street, calling my sister,

(thank goodness for sisters! (and their husbands!))

and going to sleep in my own bed.

so last night, after talking with my dad

i walked around that house reading the psalms out loud.

i had forgotten how powerful speaking the word out loud is.

it was so comforting and strengthening

and felt really good.

i hope to make it a regular happening when i get my own house.

(okay i was going to find some pretty/inspiring picture to put here

but i found this first and thought it was hilarious)

Phew...

2011-11-12T22:47:00.002-05:00

I just had a pretty serious God moment just now.

I'm watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

you know that scene after Diggory is killed and Harry brings his body back,

and Harry is sobbing and clinging to Cedricks' body.

When everybody realizes what's happened and

Cedricks' father pushes his way thru the stands, stunned,

and cries, "my son..."

falls on his boy and screams

"my son!"

I can't imagine having a child and loosing it.

I can't imagine loosing one of my family members, one of my sib-kids.

It kind of puts into reality when Jesus gave up his spirit and faced hell,

his father looked over him and maybe cried,

"my son..."

as they were separated by the abyss.

Vacation...

2011-10-29T15:04:00.003-04:00

I've been taking a vacation from adderall this week

I could probably sit on this couch all weekend

and not move :)

My first triathlon sprint

2011-09-26T12:37:00.006-04:00

It. was. awesome.

I'm totally hooked.

I definitely want and plan to do more :)

(thats me in the blue suit and white cap)

(Don't have any pix of me biking)

Finished 245 out of 1,176 women

I think thats pretty good.

The biggest thing I learned was how much nutrition affects your

training and performance.

It's like night and day when you eat well and when you don't.

I've got so much more to learn but one of these days

I would love to not be eating nearly as much processed foods

and seriously cutting back on my dessert/sugar intake.

One of these days...

bah...

2011-09-12T09:39:00.002-04:00

I'm trying not to freak out.

I feel like I could have a mental/physical breakdown at any moment.

Volatile.

But I'm trying to keep this in mind:

Graham Cooke
‎"Tension does not mean that something is wrong...it means that something is happening! It is important that we step back from the stress so that tension does not become a friction. Tension tells us that we are close to something in the purpose of God, so make it a positive experience or lose control to the enemy."

That and 2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Trying to not let this thing take hold of me.

My soul doth magnify the LORD

2011-09-09T08:00:00.002-04:00

magnify -

to make something appear larger than it is

to increase in volume

intensify

exaggerate the importance or effect of

My soul doth intensify the LORD

My soul doth exaggerate the importance of and effect of the LORD

p.s.

extol -

praise enthusiastically

go into raptures about/over

praise to the skies

The Reaction

2011-08-23T16:04:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I was teaching when the earthquake happened,

it kinda threw me off because it sounded like there had been a fairly serious car accident right outside my house...my townhouse on the end of a tiny road...

I didn't learn 'til after from that students parent that it had been an earthquake!

I was shocked that an earthquake had hit the east-side!

That was the first and probably last earthquake I'll ever feel.

But as I was talking to the mother she was saying how her husband is convinced the world will end next year and how their church is having a 12 week revival (hooyah!)

and we were joking that God is just warming up and after that revival

*poof*

we're all gone!

It is kinda funny to talk about but maybe just because none of us knows how/when/ or what it's going to be like so it's one of those awkward nervous jokes.

But it actually got me thinking that age old question

what would I do differently if I knew the whole world was going to end, say, next year?

Would I really do anything different?

Probably not much, I might try to enjoy life better, relax and not be so hard on myself.

But I'd probably still work, practice, freak out about work, train, eat healthily and unheathily.

I mean come on I'm still human.

I might try to enjoy the earth even though I know heaven will be WAY better.

I'd want all my friends to be in the right place (in their hearts I mean)

but I'm not sure how I'd do that if I knew they weren't with the Lord now.

I don't think I'm much of an evangelist (well the big bible-thumpin' kind)

but I am passionate, and may have a turn for the flair,

what about all those kids I teach, or the people I work with, or the people that are awkwardly uncomfortable to be around?

What could I do or what would I do different to show them God?

Anything?

The musicians quandary

2011-08-01T09:08:00.002-04:00

Sonata I'm playing pt. 1

part 2

The guy I've been taking piano lessons from is truly

magnificent.

He's a technical master, a musician

he is always so encouraging and inspiring.

I have learned SO much from him already in playing and teaching.

And I'd love to take percussion lessons every now and again

but there doesn't seem to be anyone that I would want to take lessons from.

And especially someone like my piano teacher.

I look forward to practicing piano and making music

and learning how to control the instrument

and make it work for me not me work for it.

And I feel I might have lost that inspiration for percussion,

I mean, I love playing and I love learning

but I've got nothing to work for

no one to play for

I have no goals or accountability.

I guess I could take lessons from some old someone

but I don't want it to be counteractive.

Anyways, I want to learn how to take my piano knowledge

and use it in my percussive life, teaching wise especially.

I want to encourage and inspire my students so that they want to practice

so they want to put into effect what they've been learning.

Then you have the teenagers, and the kids who look like they don't care

what do you do with them??

I've got a lot to learn and a lot to do

but I want to be that percussion teacher who is like my piano teacher.

I want to encourage, inspire and motivate

even the most reluctant students!

Accountability

2011-07-08T08:17:00.004-04:00

I've had ideas of a post about accountability

floating around in my head for a bit.

This one'll have to be good

so I'll really have to do some good construction on this one.

Oh, heart...

2011-07-04T23:53:00.002-04:00

I let you get away from me tonight

I made you turn away from the one you truly love,

and the one who truly loves you back,

I took your guard down

and let you flirt.

It hurts

and I'm sorry.

I GOT A BIKE!!!

2011-06-30T22:09:00.009-04:00

She's a beaut!

Specialized Dolce sport

white with plum

(I got a different seat because the one it came with-ouch)

I got Look pedals:

And Specialized shoes that look pretty close to these:

It took two hours to get fitted!

But thats just because I'm so petite, they said

...and maybe a bit picky.

But come on, this was my first bike!

I had a lot of questions and a few concerns.

I took it to the business park to practice clipping in and out of my pedals.

I think the hardest thing is when you first get on.

Oh, and in reference to the last post, boys!

boys-oh, boys-oh!

Holy Matrimony!

2011-06-30T00:04:00.002-04:00

I had a good conversation with a really good friend today

about boys...

about our similar and different views on relationships.

I've dated, I had an official boyfriend in college

for one month :)

aaand I've had some unhealthy relationships with boys.

But now, I'm almost uninterested in dating.

I'm a to-the-point kinda girl

all or nothin'

I don't want to beat around the bush

I just want to meet a guy

fall in love

and get married

bam. bam. bam.

We talked about courting-

the establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind.

I'm not messing around

I have no desire to get into a relationship and tangle all sorts of heart strings

then figure out it's not right.

Even further, I don't like talking about boys in a dating sort of light.

Because even just talking about it

turns my heart strings into flailing octopus tentacles,

just dying to reach out and suction onto "love."

My heart can sometimes fall so easily into artificial "love"

It's messy, and not in the good kind

like when God messes around with your heart (thats good)

Ultimately it's lust

and I'm feeling 'lusted-out.'

The next relationship I have I deeply desire for it to be holy

and pure.

The last time I tried making a 'list' for my 'husband-to-be'

it ended up with like three things on it with the biggest being

he has to be like Jesus. He has to be passionately in love with Jesus.

I heard someone say this once and I like it;

I want to fall in love with the Jesus inside of him.

So I'm thankful that even though I feel social (and self) pressure to be married,

the Lord has really changed my heart lately to feel content with single-hood again.

It has to be Gods timing, and I'll just have to wait-no-trust. Ok.

Redeemed

2011-06-23T18:23:00.004-04:00

I went to the doctor today

again!

I don't think I've been to the doctor twice in one year.....ever.

But I went to mom's doctor, hesitantly.

The nurses were nice, they always are.

super nice

and they called everyone sweet pea :)

They weighed me and I was happy with the number

and measured me....

I'll still round up.

The doctor was nice she sat with me and we talked for a good while

then I had to get my blood stolen.......

two times in one year!!!

I had to wait for, like, forever!

Trying to stay calm but since I was already so dizzy and fed up with it

I think I freaked out a little.

When I finally got in the room they made me sit there for Forever!!!

(slightly hyperventilating)

And when the nurse finally came in and tied that thing on my arm

and made me squeeze the ball! (which I've never had to do)

I couldn't squeeze very long and seriously felt like I was going to pass out.

...then I started crying

It's a certain kind of cry, like when you're dehydrated

and over-whatevered and you head gets funny

I just started crying I couldn't help it.

So we found a room I could lie down in.

Long story short it was fine, I didn't die,

my blood is perfect

(and they gave me a Sesame Street band-aid)

I'm a perfect specimen of human.

But we have no idea why I'm so dang dizzy!

to be continued...

Cathartic

2011-06-12T22:42:00.003-04:00

I had a recital today,

Lord knows how much pressure I put on myself

and how I handle stress....not well.

But I played well for the circumstance,

and had a very good conversation with my folks on the way home.

(I will be eternally grateful for this time of learning

living with them...sometimes I'm a slow learner.)

I have a distorted body image

I'm obsessed with my mid-section

and am rarely satisfied by how it looks.

I struggle with binge eating

especially when I am by myself

ugh.

I do eat very healthy but binge on desserts.

It feels uncontrollable.

I hate it

and I always feel like crap after, mentally and physically.

I do workout a lot (training for this triathlon)

but I tend to schedule my workouts based on how I feel/

how I've eaten.

After poor eating days (or when I feel the fattest) I will schedule a bike ride

because it burns the most calories.

The next exercise that burns the most calories (at least I think)

swimming, I can push myself pretty hard.

Then running because my knees stink and I'm trying to build a 'base'

therefore it's slow and short.

My body image also affects my practice and performance

well, it really affects my whole life.

If I feel fat I'll suck my stomach in causing me to tense up

therefore play the worse.

But I think this is all coming up because, yes, I do want help

but also because I've been praying for healthy eating habits.

I feel like this is (almost uncontrollably) manifesting,

getting worse before it gets better.

I guess thats how it's suppose to go.

I'm over it

I'm ready to have good habits, feel good physically and emotionally.

Amen.

Traumatized

2011-03-10T18:45:00.003-05:00

I had a doctors appointment this morning...

it. was. terrible.

they violated me in every way possible then kicked me out to the curb!

I've been an emotional wreck ever since

i cried the entire way home, ate my feelings

(i finished off every cookie in this house...ugh)

filled my prescription for Adderall,

installed a headlight,

and cried the rest of the day.

my arm is still sensitive.

i feel like i'm falling apart.

i'm starting add meds and feel completely alone

again.

what am i looking for taking this mess hmm???

what happens if i have a bad reaction?

what if i freaking die???

okay so that probably won't happen.

and it's probably going to be fine but honestly

i didn't even know how many pills to take

i had to freaking call the pharmacy

...way to go doc...

un. in. formed.

signed,

uninformed and clueless

...oy

Seeing in the spirit

2011-02-21T09:36:00.002-05:00

I see things in my spirit

I could probably see things all the time if I paid attention

but unfortunately I think I've learned to tune it out.

Here are some things I've seen lately:

-Every time I drive down highway 218 I see these Giant angels

with their torsos in heaven and their legs on earth.

And they walk around with their long legs all over the farmlands of 218

and I think they're like hoses that go both ways

bringing stuff down from heaven and sending other stuff up.

-The last couple times I went to Port City Church in Wilmington

I've seen little angels in the rafters

and then a throne of Jesus! if you're looking at the stage it's to the right

and he's sitting in his throne which is high up on the wall.

-Last night when Robin was praying

I saw all of us in the congregation

our hearts were connected by tubes, flashing tubes,

then all our hearts turned to gold (and the flashing turned to gold)

then we got gold crowns on our heads

then we got gold sandals, then gold skirts and gold tops,

then gold swords! then gold shields!

and we stood all in gold ready for action!

The Case of the Adult Attention Deficit Disorder

2011-02-16T21:44:00.003-05:00

Hi, my name is Stephanie

and I have adult ADD...

No, that's not it.

"It's just like having diabetes or high blood pressure

you can choose to treat it...

or go untreated."

"Just because it didn't exist 100 years ago

or even thirty years ago

doesn't mean it doesn't exist."

I'm just trying to get over my stigma

of being diagnosed with ADD

and not feeling like a child.

In my mind ADD = childlike

not being able to function at a normal adult level.

But maybe it's more like my body is just not producing

such-and-such chemicals

therefore I need these chemicals to balance that out.

Like insulin and diabetes.

I just kinda wish I could see a scan of my own brain

instead of just a science book picture.

Or maybe if I met some successful adults

living and coping with ADD

maybe it would make me feel better...

Crazy Town

2011-02-15T11:49:00.003-05:00

To Med. or not To Med.

That is the question.

To go back on medication for ADD

Ugh, I have such mixed feelings about it

Let's see a pros and cons list :)

Pros:

I could: get more work done

practice longer

maybe get more schools to work at or more students

Cons:

Taking chemicals everyday

paying money for said chemicals (I'm very frugal you know)

Having to find the right dose=

possibly going through crazy town

(which is scary because who knows how I'll react to a certain dose or type of medicine=

who knows what will happen with work,

who knows what will happen with my body)

that is a big con

I don't like going to crazy town it's not a fun place

if I go back on Adderall will there be a crash?

if it's only 12 hours I have to fit everything I need to do into 12 hours

what about rehearsals after meds wear off?

Ritalin reactions are NOT OKAY!

Going through crazy town in high school was o.k.

going through crazy town during college was less o.k.

but going through crazy town as a young professional?!?

I can't ruin my reputation because of one bad dose

I can't lose any jobs because of one bad dose

I guess it's just fear of the unknown

but also fear of what happened in the past

and not knowing if it'll happen again...

Welcome to Crazy Town

I'm too excited to sleep

2011-01-18T23:14:00.005-05:00

I'm going to start taking piano lessons again!

And I can't stop thinking about it.

(Or I just drank too much coffee this morning

and my tiny cup o' tea had too much caffeine this afternoon...

I'm very sensitive.)

Left behind...

2011-01-14T22:24:00.002-05:00

Alright so I haven't posted in a while...sorry....

I'm just going to be honest here for a bit okay?

They want me to go back to this old psychologist I saw

back when I was in college and when I was a kid,

they want me to get tested for adult A.D.D.

I quit taking medicine in college because I just didn't want to be on meds forever.

An old roommate of my sisters prayed for me to be delivered

and I thought I was

Five or so years later I'm still playing through my old piano music

and listening to recordings of my favorite pieces

I used to play

and usually

I cry

what if I had been practicing all those years

I was so productive when I was taking medication.

I would practice for hours

and I loved it.

I was good and only getting better.

Now what?

I'm unmotivated, goal-less and my job is slow and irregular.

I don't want to go to the psychologist because

it makes me feel kinda dumb.

I don't want to be diagnosed with A.D.D. again because

that makes me feel like a child.

I don't want to feel like I've already failed at life.

I just want to be normal.

Things

2010-11-17T22:13:00.002-05:00

Things that I thought about tonight:

Drinking from a water fountain is kinda like kissing;

you don't know how far the water is going to come up,

you don't know how far the other person is going to go,

you don't want to go in too fast and get your face soaked,

you don't want to go in too fast and bump heads.

I HATE seeing kids buy cigarettes

or smoke them.

(And I hate cigarettes)

I got a new scheduler!!!

The fight or flight mechanism

2010-11-14T22:30:00.004-05:00

I've started coming to terms with the fact that I have

self-confidence issues....

I see it the most in social situations.

90% of the time I don't like to be social.

I mean I'm a social butterfly

but...only in certain situations.

I've figured it out,

if I feel like I'm (for lack of better word) the coolest

it's easy for me to float around and be social,

i.e. around folks older than me, say, 35 and up.

But with people my own age,

if I don't feel cooler than them I freak out

get super intimidated and don't quite know what to do with myself.

I guess I'm just afraid of getting put down.

Often enough I drive home in tears because of a bad "hang out" time.

I try to make myself look open and inviting,

I'll talk to people, and smile

a lot

I try to engage in conversations

but sometimes they just don't work

and the social situation feels like a waste of time, energy, and calories.

Then I feel frustrated because it was a waste of time

and sometimes I feel like in order to make friends

you have to "pay your dues"

with lame hang out times.

That it's just social networking just to get your name out there

so more people will know you and might want to be friends with you.

It's just like a business proposition!

You have to find people who might like your product

(you/your friendship)

and sell yourself!

And nights when you've been disappointed

I've tried to fight,

as much as I like to be rough and tough,

I just want to go to bed and pretend none of it happened...

flight

At the end of the day I don't want to sell myself,

I do that every day

I just want something to fall back on

some built in friends

I guess thats what family is for.

Silly Daydreams

2010-11-02T09:42:00.002-04:00

I just had a silly daydream of playing timpani in an orchestra while being pregnant.

Trying to tune the drums with a big belly,

and what would happen if I went into labor during the last rehearsal before the concert??

They'd have to find a sub because,

"...Our timpanist went into labor"

I bet thats not something that happens often :)

weird dream

2010-10-29T09:36:00.003-04:00

I had a dream the other night that Ina Garten was in my house.

I cooked something and she was proud of me so she tucked me into bed :)

hahaha

Holding

2010-10-25T11:23:00.003-04:00

Caution: this is a whiny post, MY 100TH POST, and a whiny one.

If any of you have ever been in a waiting, holding place in their lives

UGH

you know how this feels.

It's almost an anxiety

I'm so ready to move onto the next stage of my life

but I have no idea what that is!

I'd love to move on and be stable and excited about that stability.

Don't get me wrong I love teaching and playing gigs

but there is a lot of pressure being a musician,

you're either really good and motivated

or good enough to get by.

(which means you suck)

A lot of times it is freeing to think about quitting music.

But then I know I would still play and want to play

and want to be good, but

then get frustrated when I'm not good because I haven't practiced.

25

2010-10-03T23:22:00.000-04:00

Psalm 46:10

2010-10-01T10:35:00.000-04:00

He says, “Stop your striving and recognize that I am God!

I will be exalted over the nations! I will be exalted over the earth!”

Dearest future husband...

2010-09-29T22:13:00.001-04:00

Please develop a baritone voice

Thanks.

The day before...

2010-09-15T08:50:00.003-04:00

I didn't sleep well last night.

I was so uncomfortable

my neck hurt, my back hurt.

And I woke up this morning with my heart racing

and my hands shaking.

I've got my whole day planned out practically to the T

and I started envisioning the whole audition process.

I'm trying to keep any visions positive.

I'm already thinking about the phone call or email I get saying

whether I've won or lost.

I know how I will react either way.

I really want it.

Just trying to keep my heart rate down....

The audition process pt. 2

2010-09-12T21:52:00.007-04:00

There are many times when I feel weighed down

There are times when I'm studying my music that I feel intelligent

There are many times I feel frustrated

There are a few times when I feel accomplished,

when I play a passage well from memory,

when my rolls sound okay,

better than yesterday...

Most of the time I don't think anybody understands what I'm going through

how could they?

No one close to me has ever auditioned for an orchestra.

Dad's probably the closest,

but men and women are so different.

I feel distanced

from everyone around me.

And I feel bad because I'm so completely consumed

by this whole process

that I can barely think about anything or anyone around me.

Which makes me feel selfish.

Is this healthy?

Being so consumed by something?

When I cry I just feel so tired

and so ready for this to be over.

I feel joy when I play something better than before,

when I get goosebumps playing

or when I'm just flat out tired and feel accomplished

after practicing all day.

The audition process

2010-09-12T21:09:00.008-04:00

This audition (I started typing lesson)

could make my career,

it would do wonders for my career, my name,

and give me a step-up into ANY other orchestra, or job!,

in the world.

This is the most stressed I've probably ever been.

If i win this audition I could prove to people that I can do it.

That I'm good.

I'd be a twenty-four year old principal percussionist!

How many twenty-four year old musicians

can say that they're the principal of their section?

This is literally the job opportunity of my young life.

And I was fine

until last week...

then I started getting alllll emotional!

I'll cry at the drop of a hat,

get really ticked at tiny, tiny, things,

my stomach has been flipping for days,

and the audition...

is still 4 days away...

I'm starting to sympathize with pregnant women.

Check out this scenario

2010-08-20T23:05:00.004-04:00

So I pull up to the HT about ten to eleven

and park next to a big white cadillac with

BMERCIFUL

written on the license plate.

And as I'm perusing through the grocery store

I hear a man talking,

I look over my shoulder to find a

heavy set man with a grocery cart

talking to someone on his bluetooth about,

"The Kingdom" and "Christ."

After hearing "The Kingdom"

it made me so happy inside I turned around

and flashed a big smile,

not only was I happy to hear a man

talking about The Kingdom

at eleven o'clock at night in the grocery store,

I was picking up Pin-Wheels for breakfast the next morning.

2010-07-21T09:42:00.003-04:00

I've been reading the book of Ruth the past two nights,

and I noticed the way that they talked to each other.

⁴ Just then Boaz arrived from Bethlehem and greeted the harvesters, "The LORD be with you!"
"The LORD bless you!" they called back.

When was the last time you greeted your friends or co-workers with

"The LORD be with you!"?

¹⁰ "The LORD bless you, my daughter," he replied.

¹ Then the elders and all those at the gate said, "We are witnesses. May the LORD make the woman who is coming into your home like Rachel and Leah, who together built up the house of Israel. May you have standing in Ephrathah and be famous in Bethlehem. ¹² Through the offspring the LORD gives you by this young woman, may your family be like that of Perez, whom Tamar bore to Judah."

Why don't we talk like that anymore?

2010-06-23T09:56:00.007-04:00

What I'm reading:

My dads favorite book, I think it's pretty good too.

What I'm watching:

Don't laugh, it's good.

What I'm listening to:

Best.

2010-06-21T12:03:00.005-04:00

Pool times:

Bike times:

2010-05-24T15:59:00.008-04:00

Wanna know what's been on my mind lately?

Besides this ugly wasp sting

6 days after I was stung it looks like this?!

Turmoil.

Between being the principle percussionist in a small symphony

or staying with a prestigious community wind ensemble.

What's a girl to do???

Weird...

2010-05-13T14:02:00.008-04:00

WARNING: Do not scroll down if you are easily weirded or grossed out.

Now,

Take a guess at what this is,

go ahead I'll wait...

Is it a seed? Maybe.

A tiny speck of dirt? Probably.

Believe it or not it is actually a fraction of an umbilical cord,

my umbilical cord.

From when I was born.

twenty four (and 1/2) years ago.....

See that little hole on the left?

Next to that tiny black dot?

(Which, if you haven't guessed,

is more umbilical cord that has yet to come out.)

Yup, it'll never be the same...

I'll probably remember this day forever.

Belly buttons are so cool.

Inspiration

2010-04-26T14:09:00.017-04:00

What inspires you?

I've decided to keep some great books in my head to inspire me.

I just finished Treasure Island,

Now fresh from the library is Gulliver's Travels

After that, Arabian Nights

Prepare to be inspired self.

Grad. School

2010-04-20T22:29:00.006-04:00

Why am I applying for grad school

*WARNING: This might be long and boring but please stay with me if you have advice.

Why the heck am I thinking about going back to school? I never thought I'd go to college. I never really desired to go to college.

But I did, and I'm glad I did.

Reasons I think it'd be cool to get my masters:

I'd be the first of my sisters to have a masters degree.

I want to study under Bill M.

I always wanted to be like my dad, who has a Ph.d (although I really don't think thats going to happen)

I'd feel smart and accomplished.

I think I'd be a better musician.

It'd be cool!

What the heck am I thinking thinking about getting my masters:

I'd be paying over $10,000 a year mostly to study under one man

PAPERS!!!! I hate papers (more on this later)

Constantly driving to and fro from school to work to home and back=gas and car maintenance

It costs over $10,000 dollars for just one year of school!!!!

I don't want to get a loan.

Conducting??? I never saw that one coming...

The hard parts:

I know I'm not committed by submitting my application but if I decide not to go...I'd be saying no to Dr. Bill Malambri.

He says he really wants me there, I really respect him as a musician, he says I'm a good musician. Who wouldn't want to study under a man who says these things??

He likes me, he thinks I'm good, he is going after me to do this and as much as I hate to say it deep down my flesh wants his approval.

UGH!

In conclusion, getting my masters is kind of like paying $20,000 to feel cool.

What am I thinking???

What is normal?

2010-04-11T20:02:00.009-04:00

I always get so inspired when I watch some movies.

I just finished watching The Cat in the Hat

and the whole idea of living a fanciful life was thrilling!

Other movies like The Pirates of the Caribbean, Willy Wonka...,

Hook or Peter Pan etc.

They make me want to go out and have an adventure!

And why shouldn't I?

I wasn't meant for a boring life!

I was created by a creative being!

I am called to create, live, love

have fun!

Dream dreams, have adventures,

play games.

I wasn't called to a life of dullness or boredom.

I'm called to live a heavenly life!

What could be more exciting than heaven???

I have visions of heaven,

and they are always way cooler than life on earth,

and we're called to live a heavenly life!

Screw living a boring life!

I want to truly live.

You Belong to Me

2010-04-08T10:54:00.000-04:00

Sometimes God puts songs in my head to teach me about his love for me.

I was sitting around the other day
and this song popped into my head.
I hadn't thought about or heard this song in a long time,
but it reminded me of His love for me.

That no matter where I go,
what I see,
or what I've seen,
no matter how far I travel,
to the farthest ends of the earth and back,
or what fancy dreams pop into my head
He is always there.

I can try to run away,
but He is always wherever I go
and in everything I do.

And I belong to him.
Song of Solomon 6:3

Exodus 33:11

2010-04-06T22:06:00.007-04:00

The Lord would speak to Moses face to face,

as a man speaks with his friend.

Then Moses would return to the camp,

but his young aide Joshua son of Nun

did not leave the tent.

Holy crap.

I can't imagine what it would be like to live Joshua's life.

Probably constantly living

in and around the presence of the Lord.

(Or pretty darn close to constantly.)

Maybe seeing God face to face every other day or so,

and living with the aftermath...

I don't know about you but if I saw Gods face

(just once!)

I might keel over.

Holy cow.

The First Easter

2010-04-03T22:21:00.003-04:00

Have you ever wondered about what the angels were thinking

during the whole "Easter" thing?

I'm sure they knew what was going on,

and what it was all about

but what was their reaction?

Were they rejoicing through the whole crucifixion?

Knowing that it was done in an insatiable love?

Were some of them in shock because maybe they

had never seen such atrocity?

Were they heartbroken to see the king of kings,

their lover,

brother,

father and master,

hanging in anguish, sadness and excruciating pain

carrying the enormous burden of the sins of the

entire world?

Did they cry?

Did they turn their gaze?

Did they sing?

Dance?

Rejoice?

Did they doubt?

What were the angels thinking?

What was their reaction?

What is my thought and my reaction

knowing that Jesus took on

my sin

over 2000 years ago

so that 2000 years later

I could live in freedom.

I can't even fathom...

That I may know you, really know you

2010-03-28T21:34:00.004-04:00

You are all I need.

Only you can fill a land with void.

You are all I need.

You alone.

Affirmation

2010-03-23T08:34:00.005-04:00

I've got to tell you what happened last night

and what God taught me last night.

I play in an ensemble made up of some of the best

current and past band directors.

Mostly older men.

Directed by a talented and passionate older gentleman.

Well, last night I was hanging out talking

and noticed an old band director friend.

Another friend and I were talking about this man

and the first time we both met him

when all of a sudden

I had a swoon attack.

Believe it or not

I swooned.

Hard.

Later on we finish rehearsal, I get in my car

and onto the road when I start feeling crummy.

So I start talking to God and asking him why am I feeling so crummy?

I thought back to rehearsal and realized

I had gotten a lot of flattery before and after rehearsal.

From certain people and not from certain people;

but a lot of attention from older men.

And it dawned on me that I was craving

affirmation and attention

from those older men I had been talking to.

So I was asking God why do I feel the need

for affirmation and attention from these men?

I thought and thought and thought.

Then I called my grandad,

the wisest person I know,

and I asked him, and Ernie, why I was feeling this.

And they thought,

and my grandad said,

'Well don't you think men also want affirmation from women?'

'Well, yes.' I said.

'But it seems more prominent (needy) in women.'

They said that it's completely natural to want affirmation from the opposite sex

(keeping in mind to set boundaries, and know that your

true identity is in God alone.)

But woman was made from man,

and when a man and woman marry they are joined in a union.

A very powerful union

made by God.

And when you are together in this unity you are

affirming each other without even using words.

So it is natural for our hearts to long for this godly unity.

Why does it happen to us women?

I guess we're just longing for that Genesis 2:24 covenant

to become one flesh.

A suitable helper.

I told my grandparents that sometimes

it just seems to get in the way of things.

Boys, Onions, and other important matters

2010-03-21T22:13:00.006-04:00

Okay, spring break part one = success.

Really awesome, amazing friends,

one niece that is too cute,

two nephews that are just precious!

And a little bit of good family time.

I learned more about love languages

especially in my girl friends.

I learned more about my love languages. (plural)

And in general fell more in love with some great girls.

Fact:

My love languages are;

(in order)

quality time

physical touch.

Although I'm pretty easy and tested fairly even across the board

those are definitely my top two.

I love puppy piles,

and for long periods of time.

But I also realized that my physical touch

a little rough...

I enjoy fighting and I have tough skin.

(Cut me but I won't bleed.)

When I push I like to be pushed back

(iron sharpening iron.)

So, typically during girl quality time we talk about boys.

Surprise!

And it was concluded

that I want a strong man.

A man who will push back and win.

(Don't get me wrong here

he will treat me with love and respect.)

But when I fight him I want him to win,

maybe not every time,

but I can't have a pushover for a husband.

Period.

The key with this though is Jesus.

Listen, you know what I want

and you know, more than I do, what I need.

So this is me giving this to you.

It doesn't mean I won't pray about it any more

but I trust you and your timing.

One last thing,

onion breath takes forever to go away!

Spring Break!!!!!!!! (pt. 1)

2010-03-17T22:00:00.015-04:00

So since I don't work in just one school, and since none of their spring breaks line up, my spring break will take up a couple of weekends until the end of school! :)

I'm super excited about it. It will consist of things like:

and this,

hopefully a little of this,

and possibly some of this,

I couldn't be more excited.

Right now...

2010-03-11T10:06:00.018-05:00

What I'm listening to right now:

I'd never seen the ballet until now.

Fact: I love male dancers (not in the "they're sexy" way

but in the way their bodies are so rectangular, i love

lines.)

The human body is SO cool,

and secretly I wish they were all robots that would make my day...

also I love the end of this piece.

What I love right now:

(Pookie)

Really awesome friends who speak truth to my heart.

I also really love Love.

a.k.a. Jesus

He's really great.

Just sayin'

What do you say when you run out of thanks

2010-03-04T21:50:00.007-05:00

What do you say when you run out of thanks,

What do you say

when there are too many things to be thankful for?

What do you say when you are being constantly blessed,

when everything seems like it is going God's way,

when before you even finish saying 'thank you' for one thing

5 more things happen to be thankful for?

How can I thank a God who LITERALLY gives me everything?

How can I thank a God who literally provides EVERYTHING for me?

How do you thank a God who pours out in abundance

everything and anything you've ever wanted

then everything else you can't even think of!

How do you thank a God who already knows, before you do,

everything you need

and

everything you want?

How do you thank a GOD who will give you almost anything you ask

and give you anything you pursue?

And on top of that...

He thinks I am the COOLEST person in the world!

cool...

Yes

2010-03-01T23:29:00.007-05:00

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule." Matt. 5:3 Mess.

Psalm 119:9-16

9-16 How can a young person live a clean life?
      By carefully reading the map of your Word.
   I'm single-minded in pursuit of you;
      don't let me miss the road signs you've posted.
   I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart
      so I won't sin myself bankrupt.
   Be blessed, God;
      train me in your ways of wise living.
   I'll transfer to my lips
      all the counsel that comes from your mouth;
   I delight far more in what you tell me about living
      than in gathering a pile of riches.
   I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you,
      I attentively watch how you've done it.
   I relish everything you've told me of life,
      I won't forget a word of it.

⁹ How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.

¹⁰ I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.

¹¹ I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.

¹² Praise be to you, O LORD;
teach me your decrees.

¹³ With my lips I recount
all the laws that come from your mouth.

¹⁴ I rejoice in following your statutes
as one rejoices in great riches.

¹⁵ I meditate on your precepts
and consider your ways.

¹⁶ I delight in your decrees;
I will not neglect your word.

Crunch

2010-02-22T22:03:00.001-05:00

I'm really excited about breakfast tomorrow.

Home:

2010-02-21T20:50:00.003-05:00

Here's the thing about living alone

it's lonely...

During the day, it's magical!

Come night-time,

it's quiet.

Update:

2010-02-09T23:04:00.005-05:00

Just an update for all three of you who read this thing :)

So far this week I haven't died.

Tomorrow is my long day, starting out with high school, so we'll see what happens after tomorrow.

But I've decided to trust God.

I will trust Him with my income and I'll trust Him with my "outcome" (taxes.)

I trust that he will tell me what to say and what to do while I'm teaching and dealing with difficult students and colleagues. And I'm always praying for fun spontaneous things to do during breaks.

I'm also praying for more of Him due to this ravenous spiritual hunger (it literally can not be quenched. Thank God.)

So, we'll see what happens.

The Sunday night scaries

2010-02-07T23:26:00.005-05:00

It seems to happen about every Sunday night (and some weeknights)

that I get the Sunday night scaries

where I don't want to go back to work.

I don't want to teach. I don't want to deal with clients.

I don't want to feel pressure. I don't want to fail.

Sometimes my career feels like I'm walking on the ledge of a really tall cliff.

If I take one wrong step

make one wrong move

I'll fall off

and that's the end of that.

It feels so unstable.

And my job is almost solely reliant on me!

The amount of work I put into it directly affects the amount of revenue I get out.

Everything is relying on me!

Self-employed!

I'm my own boss, I'm my own secretary, PR, I'm my own accountant!

I run the books, I run the ads, I do the paper work, I do the schmoozing!

And I don't even know what I'm doing!

It's scary.

It's terrifying.

Sunday nights I just want to stay in bed and pretend it all isn't happening.

"Boone Kids"

2010-02-02T09:47:00.007-05:00

Right after God kidnapped me in college a lot of crazy things happened.

Where I was and who I was hanging out with was kind of like being in an incubator.

We were all spiritually charged and

hungry, hungry, hungry!

We couldn't get enough!

We would meet together to hang out,

we would pray together, love together,

we would drive down the mountain for church together,

get words for each other, we challenged and pushed each other.

We manifested.

We glorified.

These bonds will not be broken.

Now we've all mostly graduated and moved away, some got married.

And now we've been thrown into this world,

this different, different

world.

And we're working with these different, different

people;

who have strange and different views

strange and different thoughts.

But we know we've been called to love.

We know we have been called to bring light into darkness.

So we pursue, knowing truth and knowing life.

Knowing Love and what he brings.

It's back...

2010-01-17T22:51:00.007-05:00

Well, it's back. That spirit is back. The spirit of craving. The spirit of adventure! This passionate desire to do something. The unquenchable thirst for this thing is back!

I never know what to do with it! It makes me want to run, run fast, run far, in infinitely green meadows. It makes me want to go explore, take adventures and risks. To do something I've never done.

It makes me need.

It stirs up tiny dreams that have been hidden deep down. It taunts my vivid imagination. It provokes my inner child to burst forth and fly.

It sends my mind reeling and my heart beating.

It makes me want to join a convent, backpack across Europe, sail around the world, become a pirate, dive into days of visions from the Lord, scream out loud, paint wildly, dance furiously.

It stirs passion. It says something amazing has to happen. now! It makes me crave, it makes me drool for more.

But it has got to be from God.

Uncle Bob

2010-01-09T13:27:00.006-05:00

One time when I was in middle school my Uncle Bob came into town. Now, anytime U-Bob visited it was always a special occasion. This time was no different and my parents let me go to school late so I could visit longer with Uncle Bob who dropped me off at school on his way out of town. When I got to class all my friends asked where I had been and I told them I was with my Uncle Bob and they all thought I was making him up! "Yeah, sure, "Uncle Bob" Okay..."

But it was true.

To Uncle Bob, who taught me all my sass.

Survival

2010-01-04T10:51:00.005-05:00

You know those times when you are out of your comfort zone or in an unfamiliar place and, in every way of the word, you need God.

You need him to be right beside you, you need to read his words, you need to listen to his music, you. need. him.

This is what I like to call survival mode.

Where you know that if you didn't immerse yourself with him you would just die.

Or that something uncomfortable would happen.

Honestly it feels good to be in survival mode.

I feel fairly close to the Lord in survival mode

even when the walls still feel like they are closing in.

But why can't survival mode be every day mode?

Going back to when we first fell in love mode.

Where we couldn't get enough of God, when I wanted to read his words.

When I wanted to sing his songs.

When I wanted Him to be close to me all the time,

to lean on his shoulder and just talk.

What some like to call the "honeymoon phase."

But why does it have to be a phase? Why can't it be a life style?

I wish it was my life style,

where I am so passionately in love with God I can't help but be in His word all the time.

Where I can't help but sing songs for Him.

Where I don't want to run away from Him.

Where I can't help but bask in His love for me and me for him.

Oh, what a world that would be.

Isiah 49

2009-12-31T07:40:00.000-05:00

¹³ Shout for joy, O heavens;

       rejoice, O earth;
       burst into song, O mountains!
       For the LORD comforts his people
       and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

¹⁴ But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me."

¹⁵ "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
       and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
       Though she may forget,
   I will not forget you!

¹⁶ See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.

Sweet

2009-12-24T08:57:00.006-05:00

The Lord's Prayer

2009-12-11T23:08:00.007-05:00

Give us today our daily bread

Give us TODAY what we need for TOMORROW

I must tell you...

2009-12-07T14:38:00.005-05:00

about my recent discovery. Steel cut oats.

We had some sitting in our pantry for the longest time only being played with every now and again in recipes and last night I decided they needed to be tried as a warm breakfast cereal.

So I made some this morning with cranberries and brown sugar.

Yum.

And now I'm making some for breakfast for my early mornings tomorrow and Wednesday.

"Dyin' is the day worth livin' for!"

2009-11-22T22:21:00.009-05:00

I love reckless abandonment!

I love movies about it. (i.e. 300)

((But I just watched Pirates of the Caribbean marathon on TV.))

I love seeing people with crazy amounts of passion.

Reckless - (of a person or their actions) without thinking or caring about the consequences of an action. Rash, heedless, impetuous, audacious. (showing a willingness to take surprisingly bold risks.)

Abandonment - to give up completely (a course of action, a practice, or a way of thinking) cease to support or look after; to leave, without intending to return; to leave especially as an act of survival.

Recklessly obeying God, without even caring what will happen to you, or what people will think, just being obedient. Abandoning your past, your sin, your way of thinking without any intent of returning as an act of survival. Audaciously and impetuously following God.

Thats how I want to live my life.

As a big adventure.

Never knowing what's coming next, taking leaps for the kingdom.

Living for the day that I die.

Living only for God, my master.

Living for something worth dying for.

Boundaries

2009-11-14T10:15:00.004-05:00

Boundary - a line that marks the limit of an area

Everybody has boundaries,

and everybody wants to know where boundaries lie.

They are an important part in our life; personal space, property lines, rules and behavioral boundaries.

Boundaries are the first things babies learn.

Yet all the way through life we are all trying to push our boundaries.

Everybody wants to know what they can and cannot get away with, how far they can push the boundaries, how far they can push you what are you willing to put up with.

Boundaries are crucial between men and women.

Boundaries are good. They protect us as individuals and they protect us as people.

Where do your boundaries lie and what kind of a standard do they convey?

Some things about me:

2009-11-13T13:43:00.004-05:00

Some facts you might or might not know about me:

-I am a female percussionist

-I love being a girl

-I wish I could dress really cool all the time

-I love to bake

-I still struggle with my body image

-I can't wait to find my husband and be able to Submit

(email me about this and we'll twalk)

-I wish I didn't have to shave my legs

-I'm discovering that one of my top love languages is Quality Time

-I have the coolest boss ever!

-I really love the people I know but sometimes have a hard time

expressing and showing them how much I love them

-My little cousins and I dreamed up a Sweet dream house

not too long ago and you should ask me about it :)

-I love God and He loves me and sometimes I just want to

scream it to the world

Check it:

2009-11-02T14:23:00.004-05:00

Check out this cool B.V. God gave me this morning:

And a great road will go through that once deserted land.

It will be named the Highway of Holiness.

Evil-minded people will never travel on it.

It will be only for those who walk in God's ways;

fools will never walk there.

Isaiah 35:8

The whole chapter is cool and I'm sure if I read a lil' further back and a lil' further ahead it would be even cooler. But it's still pretty cool.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE A TATTOO!!!

2009-11-01T18:06:00.004-05:00

Sometimes it just hits me...

How do I know He loves me

2009-10-22T22:21:00.006-04:00

How do I know that Jesus is real?

It's when I get those goose-bumps

when I feel His love, excitement and enthusiasm

so strongly while teaching.

It's the goofy inside jokes I have with

....myself.

It's having the longest and hardest work day

and walking away with Joy

excited, enthralled and ready to go for the next one.

It's playing good timpani parts,

playing good music,

with great musicians.

Wanting to scream with excitement that

I get paid to do this!

My life

is good.

A Time to Love

2009-10-12T11:22:00.004-04:00

I just had a glorious moment while sitting on our "porch" with a cup of hot coffee spending a little time with God before my feet got too cold. And in those few minutes we had a good heart to heart I'll share with you.

I had the pleasure of attending a wedding last night of two of my friends and it reminded me of the brides perspective on a relationship with God. This morning as I was flipping through my bible I came upon an encouraging word she gave me probably two years ago and a couple things grabbed my heart. She saw a swing set and interpreted it as I am the Lords playmate, she saw angels in a forest watching me because they were intrigued by me, and this one, parts of God are captivated by me.

I forget sometimes about Gods romance.

It's not a one way street. I have my part in seeking Him out but sometimes I get caught up in 'I'm not doing enough' or that He's loving me in a far off distance only enough to cover my sin not enough to have passion for me. There's a time to be 'grounded' and know your place and there is a time to be wooed by your lover.

Lord, come show us your passion, your passionate love for us!

What God does for me

2009-09-26T10:14:00.004-04:00

Over these past couple of weeks (I have a short memory span, it's probably been longer) God has been amazing! Like, unexplainably great to me!

I've been praying and asking God for all sorts of things going into situations that I might not feel real comfortable in, teaching and dealing with middle and high schoolers, giving me TONS of grace with work...the list goes on!

I will pray and ask for all sorts of things (somethings I won't remember praying for) and God has been consistently delivering!

I'm still in shock.

I feel like I'm getting spoiled.....

I'm kind of okay with that...

Holy cow God is amazing!

It's probably time pt. 2

2009-09-24T11:29:00.008-04:00

"When you give your testimony, heaven Literally manifests around you and Literally drives away all demons." Brad McClendon

That fall semester of my sophomore year was when my drinking and foolishness peaked, I was depressed (thinking I was happy) and my body was deteriorating with my unhealthy behavior. Throughout my time in college Courtney would always invite me to events with her christian friends and although it was kind of nice being around them I would be introduced to 30 new people in 5 minutes and felt like I could never relate to any of them. Then she started inviting me to a house church her friends had started (with the help of said pastor) I thought I would go just to make her happy and why not its just another church thing right?

So finally around the end of April I decided to check it out, there was free food involved! So I walked over the the house and started the normal social-event chit chat while chowing down on pot luck food. Eventually they decided to get things started and unbeknownst to me there were some powerful spiritual leaders in the room.

So they started off with group praying (me: doing alright so far,) until I heard strange noises coming from different sides of the room, some of these people were not praying in English! Having never heard anyone pray or speak in tongues I thought the world was coming to an end! I stuck around until the prayer started getting really intense and turning into powerful worship, thats when I ran out the front door hyperventilating and honestly thinking I was going to die. I stood outside crying and trying to figure out what was going on but my head was spinning while the Lord was doing crazy things in my spirit.

I finally decided to go back inside because I desperately needed water so I ran back into the house and through the worship where there was a tangible presence of God. While I was chugging water like my life depended on it this wonderful woman of God came up to me and started speaking about how everyones relationship with God looks different and how everyone worships differently because no two people are the same. While I tried to compose myself strange things were happening in my spirit that I didn't know about and for some reason I decided to enter into worship.

I walked back into the living room back into the tangible spirit of worship and as I walked in I saw in my spirit something like a circle encompassing the room and as I looked closer I saw that it was a circle of angels flying around in worship. I entered into the circle and started worshipping for the first time, for some reason I wanted to close my eyes and stretch my hands up to God. When I looked up I saw God (The God!!) look down on me from heaven, it was like a pipeline a heavenly pipeline from his face to mine, and he said to me, "You're mine." I continued to worship crying the whole time.

Then someone asked for prayer for their brother and they asked me to pray, (me: ok, it's been a long time since I've prayed a non-drunken prayer...) so I started praying and claiming things for this person sincerely asking God for this mans life my prayer littered with curse words said out of habit.

It was over just as quick as it started and people were going home (I'm sure it wasn't really that sudden I just had no concept of time.) My sister drove me to my dorm, gave me her bible, some other things to read and prayed for me before I got out of the car.

It was a powerful experience that I will never forget, when God found me and claimed me for his own. I sure wasn't looking for God, but he found me! And I couldn't deny what happened, when you see God and feel his presence like that you just can't go back to a sinful life! Something had changed inside of me and for some strange reason I just couldn't go back! A Holy Spirit high is better than any other high ever experienced.

That was three years ago...

For God has done great and wonderful things!

It's probably time

2009-09-24T10:46:00.005-04:00

"When you give your testimony, heaven Literally manifests around you and Literally drives away all demons." Brad McClendon

I love telling my testimony, well actually it's mixed emotions of shame and sadness from my past mixed with excitement for being able to claim who I am now and who I now belong to and serve!

I grew up in the church, pretty literally, my dad was the worship director and besides going to church every Sunday and Wednesday my sisters and I would play around in the church during his rehearsals and sometimes after school. It was a lovely childhood really, the church was beautiful and very magical for a child able to run around the property and explore all the parts of the church.

But I was also sensitive to the spiritual life around me and often wrote that it felt like I had a war in my head literally between good and evil. The enemy planted fear and sadness into my young mind and at the time I didn't understand Truth, the truth about me and the truths about life and how to stand my ground.

I struggled for years with depression and feeling like I was faking life and tried my hardest to "be a christian." I went to church all the time and listened to christian music but the war was still waging in my head and the temptations of the world were starting to clamor for my attention.

So at the end of my 8th grade year going into high school I literally told God I'm done, I'm putting you on hold, I want to do my own thing and experience 'life' I think the exact words were a little more vulgar but you get the idea. I was still fearful of going to hell so I decided I would do the "Christian" thing after high school or maybe after college, whenever I could move to a new place and 'start over' I would totally do it then.

So I went through high school trying to destroy myself and check as many things off the "social checklist" I could, alcohol, pot, boys, sneaking out, parties all the things I thought normal kids did. Going into college was a total different story with no parents around I could do whatever I wanted and continued to destroy body and soul drinking more than my little body could take hanging out with unhealthy people and boys...

Then the christmas of my sophomore year my middle sister (Courtney), my parents and myself were sitting on the kitchen floor talking. Courtney was telling us about this pastor that had been coming up to Boone and mentoring some of her guy friends and some of the stories he told. Stories about God radically moving in churches, people being miraculously healed and stories of people seeing angels and visions from heaven! Our church growing up never did things like that, I had no idea that God would actually want to show up on earth or have a relationship with us or even relate to us!

To be continued...

Semblance of Normalcy

2009-09-20T20:36:00.002-04:00

I love routines.

I've always loved routines. I love (most of the time) knowing what is going to happen. No maybe thats all the time. I love knowing and preparing for what is going to happen. It's a mental preparation.

I like having stuff to do. Knowing I have a purpose in life. I love not having a 9 to 5 job. I like that I can pick what I want to work. But I can't always pick the days and times I work. So I have to get up at 5 o'clock am to drive to Gastonia for the day or leave for a rehearsal in Hickory around 5 pm and not get home until midnight.

Being self-employed there are no guaranties of when I'll get a pay check or if I'll have work. And trying to keep up with all those dates and times and places? How do you do that???

Oh, and having gigs on your birthday...on a Saturday...I'm still trying to get my head around that one.

I think today is just one of those, "Oh crap how am I going to keep up with all this" days. I'll be okay tomorrow.

Self-Control

2009-09-08T11:00:00.002-04:00

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

I read that the other day and it really struck me, God has given us a spirit of self-discipline meaning we are capable of learning and acting with self-discipline.

I was reminded of this verse just this morning as I was eating breakfast which consisted of cereal and.......a cookie. That might not sound too bad but I ate a ton of cookies the night before and my stomach was still NOT feeling good. I was halfway through my cookie when I stopped and realized that I was not acting with self-control so I put the cookie right down on the table and walked away much to the bewilderment of everyone else at the table.

There are things I wish I had more self-discipline about; pulling hairs, words, eating and drinking too much and somehow deep inside it is freeing to read that God has given me a spirit of self-discipline to act out of.

God I would like more self-discipline in these areas please.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness;

come before him with joyful songs.

Know that Yahweh is God.

It is he who made us, and we are his;

we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;

give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Psalm 100

Mixed emotions

2009-09-04T10:17:00.016-04:00

This is where I'll be this weekend:

With some of these:

Celebrating the life of this one:

Mixed emotions

Fall already???

2009-09-02T09:28:00.003-04:00

Fall just up and sprang up on us this year! (or should I say it just 'fell' on us. hah!) We had a lovely "Boone" type of day not long ago but as I look outside in this mornings pale sunlight, I haven't been outside yet, but I know it's going to be chilly.....

As much as I hate sweating right after a shower I'm just not ready for fall! Surely this weather is just a fluke and we'll have one more week of sweltering hotness! At least I'm not going back to school now because I think I would be having tiny freak-outs about not being ready to grow up or where-the-heck-is-my-life-going-itis

.....wait, I'm still having that. Well, just give me two more days to lay out in the sun and feel it's rays sink into my skin! mmmm I love that feeling

Vacuum my spirit please pt. 2

2009-08-24T23:36:00.004-04:00

See, the thing is I always expected, or maybe just wanted, God to walk around heaven with a big cricket bat….pull back….and *smack!* every time we go astray. Painful, yes, but quick and over with.

But that’s not the way he works! And I don’t understand it.

God says he disciplines those he loves, I’m sure he disciplines me because I’m sure he loves me but I just don’t understand how! Maybe it is the silent treatment, a little cruel but he is quiet sometimes…

I guess I’m just so use to earthly crime and punishment. You do the crime you pay the price.

The only punishment I remember is from my parents or from school; getting grounded, things taken away, in-school suspension, academic probation, people always came to you and talked things through. ‘You’ve done this and now this will happen.’ You were always walked through the events that were happening, you could see, feel, and hear people it was so easy to grasp and understand. You could feel a person’s disappointment or disapproval and that would have an affect on you.

But God….God is so abstract. Sure you can feel him and sometimes hear him but it just isn’t as concrete! With God he just doesn’t sit down in front of you and explain what is happening.

But...

Maybe it's those pains that I feel in my heart when someone speaks truth that my heart needed to hear….but those kind of things feel good, so loving and tender, not at all the punishment sinful nature is used to.

Then again, this sinful world isn’t use to our God.

Vacuum my spirit please

2009-08-24T22:41:00.004-04:00

Do you ever get that feeling inside where you feel spiritually dirty? Like maybe you haven't spent as much time as you should in your bible? Or you gave into some thoughts that you shouldn't have? Or you didn't listen to Gods tiny voice one time too many? And now he's gone into hiding?

This happens every now and again, I'll feel great spiritually for a while then things happen and I feel devoid, like I need God to come down riding on the clouds, knock me around for a bit, shove some truth in my ear, maybe I do a little crying (that makes everything better,) and that will somehow make me cleansed so I can show my face before God Almighty again.

The truth is I know I do need God for every aspect of my life.

But the truth is God is everywhere.

The truth is God is in every thing.

Maybe I've been listening to lies? God went into hiding back in the Old Testament, does he still go into hiding in this day and time?

Surely there is a balance in all this....but where?

Tat.

2009-08-11T11:31:00.004-04:00

I did it. I got a tattoo. I'm kind of still in shock. And can't believe I did it. But I did, and I'm glad I did.

"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who Believe and are saved." Heb. 10:39

This doesn't really pertain to the tat. post but this is just cool quotes from The Chronicles of Narnia and verses.

"Oh, Adam's sons, how cleverly you defend yourselves against all that might do you good!" The Magicians Nephew

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Heb. 11:1

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." Heb. 11:6

"Safe? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he's isn't safe. But he's good." The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

p.s. I went to see Coldplay last Friday night, best concert ever, felt the HS, absolutely amazing!

"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness" Heb. 3:13

I'm...

2009-07-26T08:47:00.002-04:00

I'm getting baptized today...Jesus I hope you know what you're doing. Theres a lot of prayer going on for today and if you're reading this I hope you pray too :) I'll fill you in on the story later.

2009-07-22T11:53:00.003-04:00

"For you I sing I dance,

I rejoice in this Divine Romance,

lift my heart and my hands to show my love."

A trick of the trade

2009-07-19T12:02:00.004-04:00

"Guilty, I'm so guilty, and I'm guilty for the rest of my life...How come I never do, what I'm suppose to do? How come everything I try never turns out right? You know how it is with my baby, you know I just can't stand myself, but I've found myself in trouble and I had no where else to go..."

Here's something to try next time you get consumed by yourself: Go out and minister to someone.

The enemy likes to get you trapped inside yourself and your mind where it turns into a downward spiral of awfulness. He tried that on me this week and even though I didn't feel like getting out of myself and ministering to anyone there was a need, and as soon as I got encouraging words for that person I started feeling better, like a wasn't a failure.

That song up at the top is an old one the Blues Brothers sang which I think Randy Newman wrote. It is an extremely depressing song about a guy who falls into drugs and alcohol and thinks he has no where else to turn to but a woman; thats us...We, as humans, Are guilty, our flesh is as guilty as ever. We never do what we're suppose to do, everything we try on our own never turns out right but that is the case of the fallen man.

This post isn't all depressing, yes we are guilty and deserve death but this is where that grace blog comes in, for some unfathomable reason because this crazy God sent his Only Child to earth to shed His blood for us some two thousand years ago we are set free.

We Are (present tense) set free.

So even if you've committed "your worst sin"* you are already set free from it, you were set free from it thousands of years ago before anyone back then even knew you or thought about you!

Let's accept it!!! Lets go out and share it! Get out of yourself! This life isn't about us, it's about God! and what He wants to do, sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of that. Col 3:1-3

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things Above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things Above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."

"Fake it 'till you make it!" Use that imagination! No matter how dull You think it is God gave it to you for a reason! Think clouds and golden gates, cats with halos, (cats have 9 lives duh) anything to get you out of your own mind! (Col. 1:21) If you need help ask for it! We're all in this together! Lets spread the Kingdom of God! Hallelujah? Yes and Amen.

*Fact: All sin is equal, murdering is equal to lying; sex before marriage : stealing. No one sin is greater than another.

Humor

2009-07-11T09:23:00.002-04:00

Maybe it's just me but I think this is hilarious!

The nerd...the computer....the fat ol' God...

hilarious...

Grace

2009-07-01T09:37:00.000-04:00

"Grace I call your name, oh won't your smile fall over me, I crouch and drink on hands and knees oh sweet grace rain down on me, I need you grace." Grace Phil Wickham

Ah! July 1st! I love new months! A new month feels so refreshing to me! New things are going to happen, I don't have much of a schedule yet-new, new, new! I always feel like coming into a new month is like wiping my slate clean again, all the mistakes I made in the last month are officially gone, all the stupid things I said last month are "Now Forgotten," it's like I'm a new person again!

But Gods been teaching me that's not exactly true...yes a new month is always exciting, but God gives us grace ALL the time! I mean Gods timing isn't human timing right? He gives us new grace every day, every hour, every minute, every second, every millisecond! He told me once 'Every second is a new second' This was in Costa Rica when I was walking with a lot of fear about what was going to happen and on this same trip He spoke to me about Choosing!

God gives us a Choice to follow Him, He gives us a choice to accept His Grace and His UNFATHOMABLE LOVE! So it is our responsibility in our Relationship with God to Choose how we walk in life, we can choose to drink 'til we barf, gossip about our friends etc. OR we can choose to walk in the Fruits of The Spirit! Clothe ourselves in Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control!

It's a choice! What?! The deity that created THE UNIVERSE gives US, mere humans, a CHOICE! What Freedom we can live in if we only CHOOSE!

Whoa...

Shame

2009-06-24T20:24:00.001-04:00

So, I don't really blog often once every six months? Hah! Only when I'm lead to...Anyways the Lord has really been teaching me about shame. I was down in Costa Rica a week ago in an area known for sexual perversion talking to teenage girls about shame-oi vay-now granted teenagers in general don't open up so talking to them about shame was like talking to a brick wall!

Regardless, the Lord has been teaching me about shame, basically when temptation comes, or for me, when the enemy brings pictures in my head or says 'hey, remember when you did this?' the Bible says to RUN away from temptation to run into the arms of your father. Your father who has already forgotten!

I was talking to one of my greatest friends about shame and hurt from the past and she was saying how us humans like to hold on to that hurt thinking God can't or won't want to take care of that!

How true is that?

And how untrue it is!

Of course your lover, your father, your God CAN take that pain! And of course your lover, your father and your God WANTS to take that pain! Which brings us to trust...which I'm not going to get into but the Lord has really been showing me how to Run into his arms when temptation comes and especially when Shame comes! I'm thinking about memorizing some scripture to throw into the enemy's face when he comes-thats how Jesus did it when he was tempted so....why not me?

God is a great God, let's be still and know that he IS God.

Influence

2008-12-19T23:50:00.000-05:00

I grew up the youngest child, ive always been the youngest child, ive always felt the youngest, cutest, and could get away with the most and for the most part thats been true up until last week when i was thrown into a costa rica missions trip. there were 5 kids ages 10-14 and for some reason they all flocked to me, incessantly. i dont know why, and it baffled me why they would hang around me so much and talk my ears off and latch on to me but then i remembered being their age and hanging around my older sisters friends and on missions trips the older kids were THE coolest people EVER! and i remembered how i felt around them and i thought these kids must think im cool like the cool kids i knew!

that felt cool

i felt very influential, like i could help shape their lives, be a role model for how they could act-i could be an older sister!

now, i feel God has given me some really cool revelations about life i know things that i want other people to know, and now i had an audience. people who would almost hang onto every word i said, i really, honestly, felt powerful-i could change the atmosphere in the room (now i realize that anyone can do this but its still really cool to realize) i wanted to be a good example i wanted to show them that i thought they were cool and im not to cool to listen to them (even when they all talk at the same time!) and to just love on them-love cures everything- and i truly believe that! i saw how they would react to things and i noticed how they changed over just that one week together. its really cool being influential, having people look up to you, but i also realized that its kind of the same with your peers and people older than you. people feed off of each other get signals and cues off of people on how to behave and how to respond.

i think its important to know how much you affect people all around you younger, older, and peers we all feed off of each other and sometimes give each other unknown "permissions" or the opposite. but i like being a role model i think i have some good things to share.

who are you a role model for?

feelings

2008-11-21T23:58:00.000-05:00

coming home from a party i wonder why i feel the way i do. i went to this dance party with some really great people even some really sweet girls from boone, there were good people, good snacks, good dancers i knew this was going to be good. but then people showed up late and there were people no one except one person knew and it just turned out funny. i think its great to find new friends and bring new people into your social circle but on the way home it hit me what was missing-unity-there was so much disjunction, there were people over here and a couple over there and one person on the dance floor but you couldnt really hold a conversation or get to know a new person because the music was too loud.

it could have been a really sweet party but for some reason i couldnt dance much and the music wasnt that great and a came away feeling discouraged and slightly rejected, but im not accepting those, its just funny how there was one little missing thing-unity.

speaking of feelings i noticed in the car on the way to the party that my discernment is beefing up-ive been catching feelings and trying to either act in them or opposite of them. like on the road i realized there was A LOT of impatience, pride, and anger, and i was picking up on that and driving like that! which when you think about it, its really scary having a bunch of angry drivers on the road! so i thought that was pretty cool :)

2008-11-21T09:50:00.000-05:00

Oh blogging! what a silly little community this is! i was scrolling through random people's blogs just now and it so interesting the people that blog. there are a lot of 15 year olds and all kinds of people, but i think my favorite ones are where they just tell you about their day and have pictures of family, i love those! its fun looking at pictures of other peoples lives, i dont have any pictures of my life because there wouldnt be a whole lot of pictures or they would just be all the same, me in the morning, me running with the dog, me cleaning, drinking tea, making dinner, watching tv hahaha and some intermitted fun stuff like silly parties and some travelling. if i had a camera that took more than 2 pictures before dieing i think it would be fun to take all sorts of pictures of my life.....hmmm christmas anyone?

Oh man!

2008-11-11T13:49:00.000-05:00

I am a terrible blogger! its been over a month since ive last blogged! ive had some really great ideas to blog about i just havent acted on them. hmm.....well ill get there. for now though im in atlanta hanging out with my wonderful uncle bobert! and im living in this glorious high rise that over looks the city of atlanta! and the beautiful foliage is freaking gorgeous!!! i kinda feel like im a tiny hollywood star in this swanky apartment-no scratch that-condo. :D

bobs been showing me a little around the town and telling me where all the famous stars live! we past Jane Fondas apartment on our way home and we might take a tour around the 'old money' section of town later on oh la-la!

Update:

2008-10-07T16:35:00.000-04:00

Just so you all know...i had my birthday...and i did turn 23.

im still in charlotte doing seemingly nothing but running, biking, and cooking dinner.

i dont know what im doing with my life...

and yes that bothers me-but-i am not going to settle for less than what god has in store for me. so i will wait........straining my spiritual ears for any hint i can get for what he wants me to do.

dont think me lazy though! no no, im keeping myself busy-gigging, practicing, studying, cooking, cleaning, working out, learning, setting day to day goals.

i dont know what im going to be doing in five years, in one year, i dont know what is going to happen next week all i know is that im keeping my ears open. god whatever you want me to do, im bored, lets do it.

One Month

2008-09-03T20:31:00.000-04:00

My birthday is in one month! i know hard to believe right? well so i was walking my favorite lug of a dog and passed a girl about my age and, do you guys do this kind of thing, i passed this girl and went through an entire conversation with her in my head!

me: "hey"

her: "hey"

"how you doing?"

"good you?"

"good"

"hey you look about my age i havent seen you around the neighborhood"

"oh yeah blah blah how old are you?"

"22ish 23 in a month!"

you can see where this is going right?

well ive always looked forward to getting older, then i thought,

'im getting older....theres not much to look forward to now!'

when i was younger i used to push my age like about this time (one month before my birthday) i would say i was the age i was turning

after the sweet 16, legal 18, and alcohol 21 theres no big milestones left!! unless you consider 25 being able to rent a car....or 35 mid-life crisis....or the big 4-0! after that is senior citizenville!!! whoo-hoo!

so for this last month im going to embrace my last moments being twenty-two! i appreciate you twenty-two!

*this blog brought to you by the number

and by the letter *

I've been learning...

2008-06-27T23:25:00.001-04:00

i just had an amazing journal time that i must share, especially with you ladies! so listen up while the anointing is still good!!

ive been learning about dwellers, bad things happen when a human dwells, things like judging yourself which leads to self-confidence issues! Booooo!!! i have been doing this lately, im going to the beach in a week so ive been trying to look a little better (enh!!) now my mind wants me to lose 5 pounds so ive been working out, which ive been doing all along, but i dont feel like super watching what i eat-thats a pain!- even as i write this im feeling that nasty spirit!

WERE NOT SUPPOSE TO JUDE OURSELVES!! GOD IS!! Duh!! so when i start to judge (myself and others) its filled with negativity, filled with lies- but when god judges it is perfect!

i know he created me to look this way and i have to trust him that he did it right and that i am just right the way i am!! someone once told me that way before god created the earth and all that, that we chose our bodies, we chose the way we wanted our earthly bodies to look! and you know what there are great things about my body! i have a gorgeous face! great hair and eyes-which the enemy has tried to take by hair pulling (by the way i have successfully gone a whole day without picking Roxanne's hairs!!!!!!! will-power-praise the lord praise the lord!!!)

in my journal i listed a pages worth of things i like about myself (which i highly recommend everyone doing!!!) but i wont do that to you guys. the point is I Am Beautiful!! God made me just the way i am suppose to be, im muscular, i probably shouldnt weight 110 lbs (and i dont)! i am beautiful head to toe- stomach, back, thighs!!!! a little cellulite is perfectly normal-a lumpy stomach is because of muscles!!

God made me and i have to trust that i am the shape i am suppose to be!!!!!!!

Praise the lord he made me right!!!!!!

Adventures in Foscoe!

2008-06-13T20:40:00.000-04:00

oh man! i just had a return to childhood adventure out here where im house sitting! so i went to take Manna (the dog im staying with) for a walk up the hill where there used to be a field where he would run around in but they mowed it all down and its now a construction site-which brings me back to my childhood! (i grew up in an upcoming neighborhood so they were building houses all around us therefore there was a lot of mud and exploring to be had) so we went exploring up where they were breaking ground-dirt, mud, hiking. it was really cool! the first place we went was up this hill where someone had been at some point-there were tracks but it was still overgrown-and were walking (manna being a good dog and staying close-except for that one time he found something really smelly to roll around in and not listen to me.....) anyways we were walking and i see something blue and i think to myself whats this? it looks like a boat but how does a boat get up an untraveled mountain and get crashed here so i went to investigate! it turns out it was a short bus that got absolutely smashed up! it was blue with some orange the back emergency door-which had been deliberately taken off and propped up against a tree-said WE LOVE CHILDREN and the bumper said something like BIBLE WAY or BIBLE GATEWAY it was sooooo wierd! someone had dragged it up the mountain and smashed it!! then i went further on into a clearing and found some of the seats that had been torn out and thrown around (with scraps of leather still attached!) broken glass and crushed window panes were everywhere and i even saw something of some fabric white with tiny polka-dots...

that place was crazy and i even saw some charred spots where someone had obviously burned something....

the next place we went was another branch off of the main dirtway which as before had been traversed but was still overgrown and we went up, up, up and found this really cool rock alcove which was prefect for bouldering! so i helped myself and started climbing the rock a little but then realized the dog was trying as well....so i went about half way up (it wasnt that big) and manna found his own way up as well but decided to not go too far for the sake of the dog.

so we traveled on back to the main dirtway, by this time it was getting late and we were both getting tired so we just walked around and checked out the Caterpillars then decided to head back home-this is where the best part happened, right before the worst part-

we were heading back and i knew there was a little mud spot, so i stopped and picked up some mud and squished it around in my hands (there is nothing like 1: crumbling dirt in your hands and 2: the feel of mud squishing in your hands) and it was just delightful!!

then as we were heading down i spotted something orange, it was a neon orange/reddish salamander! it was THE coolest thing id ever seen!!!!it didnt even look real!! (but it was) then the worst part happened......we were heading back down the hill back home and manna somehow! found a puddle of mud and decided he was too tired to go back home and just made himself at home in that mud puddle........not cool.......so after a lot of coaxing, and a little anger he got out and we went home where i attempted to wash him off with pitchers of water.

over all it was an amazing adventure filled with mystery, action, and mud! so now im back at the house showered and snacking getting ready to watch a movie while manna is out on the porch drying himself off!

The End

oh the blogger....

2008-06-12T10:53:00.000-04:00

i haven't blogged in a while, its not that i havent had anything to say, oh contraire! i have many things to say many times, its just that by the time i get to my computer (let alone the internet) i forget what i wanted to say, or it was just too short to even bother, or i just didnt feel like it. i have many things on my mind, like the revelation i got while hiking last week, a funny little anecdote i just had in my head, i could go on about health and feeling fat, and i could talk endlessly about the great night i had last night, i could tell you about the magical book i just finished (for the second time), i could tell you how my new job is going about the guy i served that was going to play at a plumbers convention....i just havent written about any of it yet.

so just know reader that i do want to share my life with you and i will get there eventually im just taking my time :)

again?!

2008-05-28T23:21:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to lie, I’ve been reading a lot, I mean A LOT! I just finished Tuesdays with Morrie, To Own A Dragon, and I'm in the process of reading The Purpose Driven life for Graduates (I know It's cheesy but it was a graduation gift from a super sweet woman and it actually is really good) and I'm getting ready to read At Ease: Stories I Tell to Friends, I read a lot. But it seems everywhere I turn in my reading they're talking about love! I mean EVERYWHERE! It's kinda spooky really, Tuesdays with Morrie was all about love, To Own a Dragon was all about love and the last couple pages-strike that-the whole Purpose Driven Life book is about love! I'm coming to realize that this is a big deal! Not just in relationships and how to get along in life and being the greatest commandment, it's kinda like the secret of life! If you live a life truly loving god then everything is suppose to fall into place and I believe it does! If you love god you won't want to sin and do stupid things, this is what I’ve been praying for for at least a year! And now it's hitting me!
But how do you love god? Yes you show god love by obeying, him which you do out of love, but how do you fall in love w/ god? I realize he’s probably been “wooing” me since I was in the woomb (haha) but I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it at the moment…I'll keep you posted.

learning to love

2008-05-26T23:24:00.000-04:00

gods been teaching me a lot, a lot about love. it all started when i went to charlotte for the weekend and hung out with a very special three year old, my niece; she is very near and dear to my heart (i try not to be obsessed) but she is three...and that is a very difficult age to me, she hasnt been this age yet so i havent yet learned how to deal w/ three year olds! but i learned that weekend what i thought was how to deal with three year olds but have been discovering its really how to deal with people! i noticed in stella if she was getting upset, or anytime, if i spoke to her out of love and not out of frustration she immediately responded positively!

since that weekend i have been slowly learning how to love everyone! how to speak to people out of love, how to give and receive love. it has been hard for me because i love all my friends and family very dearly, more than any words could describe but it is extremely hard for me to show love its not just three year olds that respond to it, its everyone!

"the greatest command is this, love the lord your god with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind"-the bible

"love each other or perish"-someone

somewhere in the bible it says the biggest thing to know is to know jesus, to know his every move which means youd have to love him. love him like your son, love him like your husband, love him like yourself.

lord i crave more of you! i desperately want to know you, and i want you to know me, i want to love you more than ive ever loved in my life! i need more!!!

i notice things

2008-05-15T20:42:00.000-04:00

i notice a lot of things in life, if there is one thing i have learned from rob falvo it is how to notice things (and to not judge them as right and wrong but ill try not to get into that.) so what ive been noticing with this blog is that i have so much to say, i mean a lot of stuff goes through this head every day, but i dont want to just blab about something for a couple pages; every blog that ive seen are meaningful and have messages but im just not sure i work like that! i mean my brain isnt exactly organized like that, i just say what i feel and sometimes people will understand it and sometimes they just dont! theres a little bit of pressure here to perform here! (especially with grammer and puncuation-which im bad at.....) i just wont accept that, its my blog and if i want to ramble i can ramble! they're my feelings arent they? i can just do what i want with them!

now i have a lot of things to say, but i will try to keep it readable due to the fact that i know i wouldnt read something if its incredibly long. i feel i need to explain myself and let you get to know me (for those people who look at blogs of people they dont know) but im not going to do that. most of the people who are going to be reading this already know me so phoo! here are things that are new in my life

-ive gotten a job at Our Daily Bread, its great, i like it, i like to work. its a little stressful because im not comfortable there but the people are nice and im making a little money
-i just took some more headshots with my friend drn which are amazing!
-ive gained some weight (like 6 pounds) which is really bugging me and i cant go to the gym cause ive graduated so i have to find an alternative exercise routine.....which brings about
-eating.....i still struggle w/ eating habits, i thought i found the solution at the last morningstar retreat (asking god to enjoy what im eating) but ive still been overeating and just focusing on "it" too much-but-
-I'VE GRADUATED COLLEGE!!! and this is probably the biggest thing to happen in my life thus far (minus a couple of things) and im really proud of myself for making it through!

so those are the biggest things that i want to throw out there that are happening in my life; and maybe now i wont feel so intimidated to post on my own blog!

I've done it

2008-05-13T13:33:00.000-04:00

I did it, i started a blog...ive been thinking about doing it for a while, and now ive done it. more on this later...