Shame

So, I don't really blog often once every six months? Hah! Only when I'm lead to...Anyways the Lord has really been teaching me about shame. I was down in Costa Rica a week ago in an area known for sexual perversion talking to teenage girls about shame-oi vay-now granted teenagers in general don't open up so talking to them about shame was like talking to a brick wall!

Regardless, the Lord has been teaching me about shame, basically when temptation comes, or for me, when the enemy brings pictures in my head or says 'hey, remember when you did this?' the Bible says to RUN away from temptation to run into the arms of your father. Your father who has already forgotten!

I was talking to one of my greatest friends about shame and hurt from the past and she was saying how us humans like to hold on to that hurt thinking God can't or won't want to take care of that! 

How true is that? 

And how untrue it is!

Of course your lover, your father, your God CAN take that pain! And of course your lover, your father and your God WANTS to take that pain! Which brings us to trust...which I'm not going to get into but the Lord has really been showing me how to Run into his arms when temptation comes and especially when Shame comes! I'm thinking about memorizing some scripture to throw into the enemy's face when he comes-thats how Jesus did it when he was tempted so....why not me?

God is a great God, let's be still and know that he IS God.

Influence

I grew up the youngest child, ive always been the youngest child, ive always felt the youngest, cutest, and could get away with the most and for the most part thats been true up until last week when i was thrown into a costa rica missions trip. there were 5 kids ages 10-14 and for some reason they all flocked to me, incessantly. i dont know why, and it baffled me why they would hang around me so much and talk my ears off and latch on to me but then i remembered being their age and hanging around my older sisters friends and on missions trips the older kids were THE coolest people EVER! and i remembered how i felt around them and i thought these kids must think im cool like the cool kids i knew! 

that felt cool

i felt very influential, like i could help shape their lives, be a role model for how they could act-i could be an older sister!

now, i feel God has given me some really cool revelations about life i know things that i want other people to know, and now i had an audience. people who would almost hang onto every word i said, i really, honestly, felt powerful-i could change the atmosphere in the room (now i realize that anyone can do this but its still really cool to realize) i wanted to be a good example i wanted to show them that i thought they were cool and im not to cool to listen to them (even when they all talk at the same time!) and to just love on them-love cures everything- and i truly believe that! i saw how they would react to things and i noticed how they changed over just that one week together. its really cool being influential, having people look up to you, but i also realized that its kind of the same with your peers and people older than you. people feed off of each other get signals and cues off of people on how to behave and how to respond. 

i think its important to know how much you affect people all around you younger, older, and peers we all feed off of each other and sometimes give each other unknown "permissions" or the opposite. but i like being a role model i think i have some good things to share.

who are you a role model for? 

feelings

coming home from a party i wonder why i feel the way i do. i went to this dance party with some really great people even some really sweet girls from boone, there were good people, good snacks, good dancers i knew this was going to be good. but then people showed up late and there were people no one except one person knew and it just turned out funny. i think its great to find new friends and bring new people into your social circle but on the way home it hit me what was missing-unity-there was so much disjunction, there were people over here and a couple over there and one person on the dance floor but you couldnt really hold a conversation or get to know a new person because the music was too loud.

it could have been a really sweet party but for some reason i couldnt dance much and the music wasnt that great and a came away feeling discouraged and slightly rejected, but im not accepting those, its just funny how there was one little missing thing-unity.

speaking of feelings i noticed in the car on the way to the party that my discernment is beefing up-ive been catching feelings and trying to either act in them or opposite of them. like on the road i realized there was A LOT of impatience, pride, and anger, and i was picking up on that and driving like that! which when you think about it, its really scary having a bunch of angry drivers on the road! so i thought that was pretty cool :)

Oh blogging! what a silly little community this is! i was scrolling through random people's blogs just now and it so interesting the people that blog. there are a lot of 15 year olds and all kinds of people, but i think my favorite ones are where they just tell you about their day and have pictures of family, i love those! its fun looking at pictures of other peoples lives, i dont have any pictures of my life because there wouldnt be a whole lot of pictures or they would just be all the same, me in the morning, me running with the dog, me cleaning, drinking tea, making dinner, watching tv hahaha and some intermitted fun stuff like silly parties and some travelling. if i had a camera that took more than 2 pictures before dieing i think it would be fun to take all sorts of pictures of my life.....hmmm christmas anyone?

Oh man!

I am a terrible blogger! its been over a month since ive last blogged! ive had some really great ideas to blog about i just havent acted on them. hmm.....well ill get there. for now though im in atlanta hanging out with my wonderful uncle bobert! and im living in this glorious high rise that over looks the city of atlanta! and the beautiful foliage is freaking gorgeous!!! i kinda feel like im a tiny hollywood star in this swanky apartment-no scratch that-condo. :D 

bobs been showing me a  little around the town and telling me where all the famous stars live! we past Jane Fondas apartment on our way home and we might take a tour around the 'old money' section of town later on oh la-la!

Update:

Just so you all know...i had my birthday...and i did turn 23.

im still in charlotte doing seemingly nothing but running, biking, and cooking dinner.

i dont know what im doing with my life...

and yes that bothers me-but-i am not going to settle for less than what god has in store for me. so i will wait........straining my spiritual ears for any hint i can get for what he wants me to do.

dont think me lazy though! no no, im keeping myself busy-gigging, practicing, studying, cooking, cleaning, working out, learning, setting day to day goals. 

i dont know what im going to be doing in five years, in one year, i dont know what is going to happen next week all i know is that im keeping my ears open. god whatever you want me to do, im bored, lets do it.

One Month

My birthday is in one month! i know hard to believe right? well so i was walking my favorite lug of a dog and passed a girl about my age and, do you guys do this kind of thing, i passed this girl and went through an entire conversation with her in my head! 

me: "hey" 

her: "hey" 

"how you doing?" 

"good you?" 

"good you?" 

"good" 

"hey you look about my age i havent seen you around the neighborhood"

"oh yeah blah blah how old are you?"

"22ish 23 in a month!"

you can see where this is going right? 

well ive always looked forward to getting older, then i thought,

'im getting older....theres not much to look forward to now!' 

when i was younger i used to push my age like about this time (one month before my birthday) i would say i was the age i was turning

after the sweet 16, legal 18, and alcohol 21 theres no big milestones left!! unless you consider 25 being able to rent a car....or 35 mid-life crisis....or the big 4-0! after that is senior citizenville!!! whoo-hoo!

so for this last month im going to embrace my last moments being twenty-two! i appreciate you twenty-two!

*this blog brought to you by the number  

and by the letter *