Cathartic

I had a recital today,

Lord knows how much pressure I put on myself

and how I handle stress....not well.

But I played well for the circumstance,

and had a very good conversation with my folks on the way home.

(I will be eternally grateful for this time of learning

living with them...sometimes I'm a slow learner.)

I have a distorted body image

I'm obsessed with my mid-section

and am rarely satisfied by how it looks.

I struggle with binge eating

especially when I am by myself

ugh.

I do eat very healthy but binge on desserts.

It feels uncontrollable.

I hate it

and I always feel like crap after, mentally and physically.

I do workout a lot (training for this triathlon)

but I tend to schedule my workouts based on how I feel/

how I've eaten.

After poor eating days (or when I feel the fattest) I will schedule a bike ride

because it burns the most calories.

The next exercise that burns the most calories (at least I think)

swimming, I can push myself pretty hard.

Then running because my knees stink and I'm trying to build a 'base'

therefore it's slow and short.

My body image also affects my practice and performance

well, it really affects my whole life.

If I feel fat I'll suck my stomach in causing me to tense up

therefore play the worse.

But I think this is all coming up because, yes, I do want help

but also because I've been praying for healthy eating habits.

I feel like this is (almost uncontrollably) manifesting,

getting worse before it gets better.

I guess thats how it's suppose to go.

I'm over it

I'm ready to have good habits, feel good physically and emotionally.

Amen.

Traumatized

I had a doctors appointment this morning...

it. was. terrible.

they violated me in every way possible then kicked me out to the curb!

I've been an emotional wreck ever since

i cried the entire way home, ate my feelings

(i finished off every cookie in this house...ugh)

filled my prescription for Adderall,

installed a headlight,

and cried the rest of the day.

my arm is still sensitive.

i feel like i'm falling apart.

i'm starting add meds and feel completely alone

again.

what am i looking for taking this mess hmm???

what happens if i have a bad reaction?

what if i freaking die???

okay so that probably won't happen.

and it's probably going to be fine but honestly

i didn't even know how many pills to take

i had to freaking call the pharmacy

...way to go doc...

un. in. formed.

signed,

uninformed and clueless

...oy

Seeing in the spirit

I see things in my spirit

I could probably see things all the time if I paid attention

but unfortunately I think I've learned to tune it out.

Here are some things I've seen lately:

-Every time I drive down highway 218 I see these Giant angels

with their torsos in heaven and their legs on earth.

And they walk around with their long legs all over the farmlands of 218

and I think they're like hoses that go both ways

bringing stuff down from heaven and sending other stuff up.

-The last couple times I went to Port City Church in Wilmington

I've seen little angels in the rafters

and then a throne of Jesus! if you're looking at the stage it's to the right

and he's sitting in his throne which is high up on the wall.

-Last night when Robin was praying

I saw all of us in the congregation

our hearts were connected by tubes, flashing tubes,

then all our hearts turned to gold (and the flashing turned to gold)

then we got gold crowns on our heads

then we got gold sandals, then gold skirts and gold tops,

then gold swords! then gold shields!

and we stood all in gold ready for action!

The Case of the Adult Attention Deficit Disorder

Hi, my name is Stephanie

and I have adult ADD...

No, that's not it.

"It's just like having diabetes or high blood pressure

you can choose to treat it...

or go untreated."

"Just because it didn't exist 100 years ago

or even thirty years ago

doesn't mean it doesn't exist."

I'm just trying to get over my stigma

of being diagnosed with ADD

and not feeling like a child.

In my mind ADD = childlike

not being able to function at a normal adult level.

But maybe it's more like my body is just not producing

such-and-such chemicals

therefore I need these chemicals to balance that out.

Like insulin and diabetes.

I just kinda wish I could see a scan of my own brain

instead of just a science book picture.

Or maybe if I met some successful adults

living and coping with ADD

maybe it would make me feel better...

Crazy Town

To Med. or not To Med.

That is the question.

To go back on medication for ADD

Ugh, I have such mixed feelings about it

Let's see a pros and cons list :)

Pros:

I could: get more work done

practice longer

maybe get more schools to work at or more students

Cons:

Taking chemicals everyday

paying money for said chemicals (I'm very frugal you know)

Having to find the right dose=

possibly going through crazy town

(which is scary because who knows how I'll react to a certain dose or type of medicine=

who knows what will happen with work,

who knows what will happen with my body)

that is a big con

I don't like going to crazy town it's not a fun place

if I go back on Adderall will there be a crash?

if it's only 12 hours I have to fit everything I need to do into 12 hours

what about rehearsals after meds wear off?

Ritalin reactions are NOT OKAY!

Going through crazy town in high school was o.k.

going through crazy town during college was less o.k.

but going through crazy town as a young professional?!?

I can't ruin my reputation because of one bad dose

I can't lose any jobs because of one bad dose

I guess it's just fear of the unknown

but also fear of what happened in the past

and not knowing if it'll happen again...

Welcome to Crazy Town

I'm too excited to sleep

I'm going to start taking piano lessons again!

And I can't stop thinking about it.

(Or I just drank too much coffee this morning

and my tiny cup o' tea had too much caffeine this afternoon...

I'm very sensitive.)

Left behind...

Alright so I haven't posted in a while...sorry....

I'm just going to be honest here for a bit okay?

They want me to go back to this old psychologist I saw

back when I was in college and when I was a kid,

they want me to get tested for adult A.D.D.

I quit taking medicine in college because I just didn't want to be on meds forever.

An old roommate of my sisters prayed for me to be delivered

and I thought I was

Five or so years later I'm still playing through my old piano music

and listening to recordings of my favorite pieces

I used to play

and usually

I cry

what if I had been practicing all those years

I was so productive when I was taking medication.

I would practice for hours

and I loved it.

I was good and only getting better.

Now what?

I'm unmotivated, goal-less and my job is slow and irregular.

I don't want to go to the psychologist because

it makes me feel kinda dumb.

I don't want to be diagnosed with A.D.D. again because

that makes me feel like a child.

I don't want to feel like I've already failed at life.

I just want to be normal.