I GOT A BIKE!!!

She's a beaut!

Specialized Dolce sport

white with plum

(I got a different seat because the one it came with-ouch)

I got Look pedals:

And Specialized shoes that look pretty close to these:

It took two hours to get fitted!

But thats just because I'm so petite, they said

...and maybe a bit picky.

But come on, this was my first bike!

I had a lot of questions and a few concerns.

I took it to the business park to practice clipping in and out of my pedals.

I think the hardest thing is when you first get on.

Oh, and in reference to the last post, boys!

boys-oh, boys-oh!

Holy Matrimony!

I had a good conversation with a really good friend today

about boys...

about our similar and different views on relationships.

I've dated, I had an official boyfriend in college

for one month :)

aaand I've had some unhealthy relationships with boys.

But now, I'm almost uninterested in dating.

I'm a to-the-point kinda girl

all or nothin'

I don't want to beat around the bush

I just want to meet a guy

fall in love

and get married

bam. bam. bam.

We talked about courting-

the establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind.

I'm not messing around

I have no desire to get into a relationship and tangle all sorts of heart strings

then figure out it's not right.

Even further, I don't like talking about boys in a dating sort of light.

Because even just talking about it

turns my heart strings into flailing octopus tentacles,

just dying to reach out and suction onto "love."

My heart can sometimes fall so easily into artificial "love"

It's messy, and not in the good kind

like when God messes around with your heart (thats good)

Ultimately it's lust

and I'm feeling 'lusted-out.'

The next relationship I have I deeply desire for it to be holy

and pure.

The last time I tried making a 'list' for my 'husband-to-be'

it ended up with like three things on it with the biggest being

he has to be like Jesus. He has to be passionately in love with Jesus.

I heard someone say this once and I like it;

I want to fall in love with the Jesus inside of him.

So I'm thankful that even though I feel social (and self) pressure to be married,

the Lord has really changed my heart lately to feel content with single-hood again.

It has to be Gods timing, and I'll just have to wait-no-trust. Ok.

Redeemed

I went to the doctor today

again!

I don't think I've been to the doctor twice in one year.....ever.

But I went to mom's doctor, hesitantly.

The nurses were nice, they always are.

super nice

and they called everyone sweet pea :)

They weighed me and I was happy with the number

and measured me....

I'll still round up.

The doctor was nice she sat with me and we talked for a good while

then I had to get my blood stolen.......

two times in one year!!!

I had to wait for, like, forever!

Trying to stay calm but since I was already so dizzy and fed up with it

I think I freaked out a little.

When I finally got in the room they made me sit there for Forever!!!

(slightly hyperventilating)

And when the nurse finally came in and tied that thing on my arm

and made me squeeze the ball! (which I've never had to do)

I couldn't squeeze very long and seriously felt like I was going to pass out.

...then I started crying

It's a certain kind of cry, like when you're dehydrated

and over-whatevered and you head gets funny

I just started crying I couldn't help it.

So we found a room I could lie down in.

Long story short it was fine, I didn't die,

my blood is perfect

(and they gave me a Sesame Street band-aid)

I'm a perfect specimen of human.

But we have no idea why I'm so dang dizzy!

to be continued...

Cathartic

I had a recital today,

Lord knows how much pressure I put on myself

and how I handle stress....not well.

But I played well for the circumstance,

and had a very good conversation with my folks on the way home.

(I will be eternally grateful for this time of learning

living with them...sometimes I'm a slow learner.)

I have a distorted body image

I'm obsessed with my mid-section

and am rarely satisfied by how it looks.

I struggle with binge eating

especially when I am by myself

ugh.

I do eat very healthy but binge on desserts.

It feels uncontrollable.

I hate it

and I always feel like crap after, mentally and physically.

I do workout a lot (training for this triathlon)

but I tend to schedule my workouts based on how I feel/

how I've eaten.

After poor eating days (or when I feel the fattest) I will schedule a bike ride

because it burns the most calories.

The next exercise that burns the most calories (at least I think)

swimming, I can push myself pretty hard.

Then running because my knees stink and I'm trying to build a 'base'

therefore it's slow and short.

My body image also affects my practice and performance

well, it really affects my whole life.

If I feel fat I'll suck my stomach in causing me to tense up

therefore play the worse.

But I think this is all coming up because, yes, I do want help

but also because I've been praying for healthy eating habits.

I feel like this is (almost uncontrollably) manifesting,

getting worse before it gets better.

I guess thats how it's suppose to go.

I'm over it

I'm ready to have good habits, feel good physically and emotionally.

Amen.

Traumatized

I had a doctors appointment this morning...

it. was. terrible.

they violated me in every way possible then kicked me out to the curb!

I've been an emotional wreck ever since

i cried the entire way home, ate my feelings

(i finished off every cookie in this house...ugh)

filled my prescription for Adderall,

installed a headlight,

and cried the rest of the day.

my arm is still sensitive.

i feel like i'm falling apart.

i'm starting add meds and feel completely alone

again.

what am i looking for taking this mess hmm???

what happens if i have a bad reaction?

what if i freaking die???

okay so that probably won't happen.

and it's probably going to be fine but honestly

i didn't even know how many pills to take

i had to freaking call the pharmacy

...way to go doc...

un. in. formed.

signed,

uninformed and clueless

...oy

Seeing in the spirit

I see things in my spirit

I could probably see things all the time if I paid attention

but unfortunately I think I've learned to tune it out.

Here are some things I've seen lately:

-Every time I drive down highway 218 I see these Giant angels

with their torsos in heaven and their legs on earth.

And they walk around with their long legs all over the farmlands of 218

and I think they're like hoses that go both ways

bringing stuff down from heaven and sending other stuff up.

-The last couple times I went to Port City Church in Wilmington

I've seen little angels in the rafters

and then a throne of Jesus! if you're looking at the stage it's to the right

and he's sitting in his throne which is high up on the wall.

-Last night when Robin was praying

I saw all of us in the congregation

our hearts were connected by tubes, flashing tubes,

then all our hearts turned to gold (and the flashing turned to gold)

then we got gold crowns on our heads

then we got gold sandals, then gold skirts and gold tops,

then gold swords! then gold shields!

and we stood all in gold ready for action!

The Case of the Adult Attention Deficit Disorder

Hi, my name is Stephanie

and I have adult ADD...

No, that's not it.

"It's just like having diabetes or high blood pressure

you can choose to treat it...

or go untreated."

"Just because it didn't exist 100 years ago

or even thirty years ago

doesn't mean it doesn't exist."

I'm just trying to get over my stigma

of being diagnosed with ADD

and not feeling like a child.

In my mind ADD = childlike

not being able to function at a normal adult level.

But maybe it's more like my body is just not producing

such-and-such chemicals

therefore I need these chemicals to balance that out.

Like insulin and diabetes.

I just kinda wish I could see a scan of my own brain

instead of just a science book picture.

Or maybe if I met some successful adults

living and coping with ADD

maybe it would make me feel better...