Influence

I grew up the youngest child, ive always been the youngest child, ive always felt the youngest, cutest, and could get away with the most and for the most part thats been true up until last week when i was thrown into a costa rica missions trip. there were 5 kids ages 10-14 and for some reason they all flocked to me, incessantly. i dont know why, and it baffled me why they would hang around me so much and talk my ears off and latch on to me but then i remembered being their age and hanging around my older sisters friends and on missions trips the older kids were THE coolest people EVER! and i remembered how i felt around them and i thought these kids must think im cool like the cool kids i knew! 

that felt cool

i felt very influential, like i could help shape their lives, be a role model for how they could act-i could be an older sister!

now, i feel God has given me some really cool revelations about life i know things that i want other people to know, and now i had an audience. people who would almost hang onto every word i said, i really, honestly, felt powerful-i could change the atmosphere in the room (now i realize that anyone can do this but its still really cool to realize) i wanted to be a good example i wanted to show them that i thought they were cool and im not to cool to listen to them (even when they all talk at the same time!) and to just love on them-love cures everything- and i truly believe that! i saw how they would react to things and i noticed how they changed over just that one week together. its really cool being influential, having people look up to you, but i also realized that its kind of the same with your peers and people older than you. people feed off of each other get signals and cues off of people on how to behave and how to respond. 

i think its important to know how much you affect people all around you younger, older, and peers we all feed off of each other and sometimes give each other unknown "permissions" or the opposite. but i like being a role model i think i have some good things to share.

who are you a role model for? 

feelings

coming home from a party i wonder why i feel the way i do. i went to this dance party with some really great people even some really sweet girls from boone, there were good people, good snacks, good dancers i knew this was going to be good. but then people showed up late and there were people no one except one person knew and it just turned out funny. i think its great to find new friends and bring new people into your social circle but on the way home it hit me what was missing-unity-there was so much disjunction, there were people over here and a couple over there and one person on the dance floor but you couldnt really hold a conversation or get to know a new person because the music was too loud.

it could have been a really sweet party but for some reason i couldnt dance much and the music wasnt that great and a came away feeling discouraged and slightly rejected, but im not accepting those, its just funny how there was one little missing thing-unity.

speaking of feelings i noticed in the car on the way to the party that my discernment is beefing up-ive been catching feelings and trying to either act in them or opposite of them. like on the road i realized there was A LOT of impatience, pride, and anger, and i was picking up on that and driving like that! which when you think about it, its really scary having a bunch of angry drivers on the road! so i thought that was pretty cool :)

Oh blogging! what a silly little community this is! i was scrolling through random people's blogs just now and it so interesting the people that blog. there are a lot of 15 year olds and all kinds of people, but i think my favorite ones are where they just tell you about their day and have pictures of family, i love those! its fun looking at pictures of other peoples lives, i dont have any pictures of my life because there wouldnt be a whole lot of pictures or they would just be all the same, me in the morning, me running with the dog, me cleaning, drinking tea, making dinner, watching tv hahaha and some intermitted fun stuff like silly parties and some travelling. if i had a camera that took more than 2 pictures before dieing i think it would be fun to take all sorts of pictures of my life.....hmmm christmas anyone?

Oh man!

I am a terrible blogger! its been over a month since ive last blogged! ive had some really great ideas to blog about i just havent acted on them. hmm.....well ill get there. for now though im in atlanta hanging out with my wonderful uncle bobert! and im living in this glorious high rise that over looks the city of atlanta! and the beautiful foliage is freaking gorgeous!!! i kinda feel like im a tiny hollywood star in this swanky apartment-no scratch that-condo. :D 

bobs been showing me a  little around the town and telling me where all the famous stars live! we past Jane Fondas apartment on our way home and we might take a tour around the 'old money' section of town later on oh la-la!

Update:

Just so you all know...i had my birthday...and i did turn 23.

im still in charlotte doing seemingly nothing but running, biking, and cooking dinner.

i dont know what im doing with my life...

and yes that bothers me-but-i am not going to settle for less than what god has in store for me. so i will wait........straining my spiritual ears for any hint i can get for what he wants me to do.

dont think me lazy though! no no, im keeping myself busy-gigging, practicing, studying, cooking, cleaning, working out, learning, setting day to day goals. 

i dont know what im going to be doing in five years, in one year, i dont know what is going to happen next week all i know is that im keeping my ears open. god whatever you want me to do, im bored, lets do it.

One Month

My birthday is in one month! i know hard to believe right? well so i was walking my favorite lug of a dog and passed a girl about my age and, do you guys do this kind of thing, i passed this girl and went through an entire conversation with her in my head! 

me: "hey" 

her: "hey" 

"how you doing?" 

"good you?" 

"good you?" 

"good" 

"hey you look about my age i havent seen you around the neighborhood"

"oh yeah blah blah how old are you?"

"22ish 23 in a month!"

you can see where this is going right? 

well ive always looked forward to getting older, then i thought,

'im getting older....theres not much to look forward to now!' 

when i was younger i used to push my age like about this time (one month before my birthday) i would say i was the age i was turning

after the sweet 16, legal 18, and alcohol 21 theres no big milestones left!! unless you consider 25 being able to rent a car....or 35 mid-life crisis....or the big 4-0! after that is senior citizenville!!! whoo-hoo!

so for this last month im going to embrace my last moments being twenty-two! i appreciate you twenty-two!

*this blog brought to you by the number  

and by the letter *

I've been learning...

i just had an amazing journal time that i must share, especially with you ladies! so listen up while the anointing is still good!!

ive been learning about dwellers, bad things happen when a human dwells, things like judging yourself which leads to self-confidence issues! Booooo!!! i have been doing this lately, im going to the beach in a week so ive been trying to look a little better (enh!!) now my mind wants me to lose 5 pounds so ive been working out, which ive been doing all along, but i dont feel like super watching what i eat-thats a pain!- even as i write this im feeling that nasty spirit!

WERE NOT SUPPOSE TO JUDE OURSELVES!! GOD IS!! Duh!! so when i start to judge (myself and others) its filled with negativity, filled with lies- but when god judges it is perfect!

i know he created me to look this way and i have to trust him that he did it right and that i am just right the way i am!! someone once told me that way before god created the earth and all that, that we chose our bodies, we chose the way we wanted our earthly bodies to look! and you know what there are great things about my body! i have a gorgeous face! great hair and eyes-which the enemy has tried to take by hair pulling (by the way i have successfully gone a whole day without picking Roxanne's hairs!!!!!!! will-power-praise the lord praise the lord!!!)

in my journal i listed a pages worth of things i like about myself (which i highly recommend everyone doing!!!) but i wont do that to you guys. the point is I Am Beautiful!! God made me just the way i am suppose to be, im muscular, i probably shouldnt weight 110 lbs (and i dont)! i am beautiful head to toe- stomach, back, thighs!!!! a little cellulite is perfectly normal-a lumpy stomach is because of muscles!!

God made me and i have to trust that i am the shape i am suppose to be!!!!!!!

Praise the lord he made me right!!!!!!

Adventures in Foscoe!

oh man! i just had a return to childhood adventure out here where im house sitting! so i went to take Manna (the dog im staying with) for a walk up the hill where there used to be a field where he would run around in but they mowed it all down and its now a construction site-which brings me back to my childhood! (i grew up in an upcoming neighborhood so they were building houses all around us therefore there was a lot of mud and exploring to be had) so we went exploring up where they were breaking ground-dirt, mud, hiking. it was really cool! the first place we went was up this hill where someone had been at some point-there were tracks but it was still overgrown-and were walking (manna being a good dog and staying close-except for that one time he found something really smelly to roll around in and not listen to me.....) anyways we were walking and i see something blue and i think to myself whats this? it looks like a boat but how does a boat get up an untraveled mountain and get crashed here so i went to investigate! it turns out it was a short bus that got absolutely smashed up! it was blue with some orange the back emergency door-which had been deliberately taken off and propped up against a tree-said WE LOVE CHILDREN and the bumper said something like BIBLE WAY or BIBLE GATEWAY it was sooooo wierd! someone had dragged it up the mountain and smashed it!! then i went further on into a clearing and found some of the seats that had been torn out and thrown around (with scraps of leather still attached!) broken glass and crushed window panes were everywhere and i even saw something of some fabric white with tiny polka-dots...

that place was crazy and i even saw some charred spots where someone had obviously burned something....

the next place we went was another branch off of the main dirtway which as before had been traversed but was still overgrown and we went up, up, up and found this really cool rock alcove which was prefect for bouldering! so i helped myself and started climbing the rock a little but then realized the dog was trying as well....so i went about half way up (it wasnt that big) and manna found his own way up as well but decided to not go too far for the sake of the dog.

so we traveled on back to the main dirtway, by this time it was getting late and we were both getting tired so we just walked around and checked out the Caterpillars then decided to head back home-this is where the best part happened, right before the worst part-

we were heading back and i knew there was a little mud spot, so i stopped and picked up some mud and squished it around in my hands (there is nothing like 1: crumbling dirt in your hands and 2: the feel of mud squishing in your hands) and it was just delightful!!

then as we were heading down i spotted something orange, it was a neon orange/reddish salamander! it was THE coolest thing id ever seen!!!!it didnt even look real!! (but it was) then the worst part happened......we were heading back down the hill back home and manna somehow! found a puddle of mud and decided he was too tired to go back home and just made himself at home in that mud puddle........not cool.......so after a lot of coaxing, and a little anger he got out and we went home where i attempted to wash him off with pitchers of water.

over all it was an amazing adventure filled with mystery, action, and mud! so now im back at the house showered and snacking getting ready to watch a movie while manna is out on the porch drying himself off!

The End

oh the blogger....

i haven't blogged in a while, its not that i havent had anything to say, oh contraire! i have many things to say many times, its just that by the time i get to my computer (let alone the internet) i forget what i wanted to say, or it was just too short to even bother, or i just didnt feel like it. i have many things on my mind, like the revelation i got while hiking last week, a funny little anecdote i just had in my head, i could go on about health and feeling fat, and i could talk endlessly about the great night i had last night, i could tell you about the magical book i just finished (for the second time), i could tell you how my new job is going about the guy i served that was going to play at a plumbers convention....i just havent written about any of it yet.

so just know reader that i do want to share my life with you and i will get there eventually im just taking my time :)

again?!

I'm not going to lie, I’ve been reading a lot, I mean A LOT! I just finished Tuesdays with Morrie, To Own A Dragon, and I'm in the process of reading The Purpose Driven life for Graduates (I know It's cheesy but it was a graduation gift from a super sweet woman and it actually is really good) and I'm getting ready to read At Ease: Stories I Tell to Friends, I read a lot. But it seems everywhere I turn in my reading they're talking about love! I mean EVERYWHERE! It's kinda spooky really, Tuesdays with Morrie was all about love, To Own a Dragon was all about love and the last couple pages-strike that-the whole Purpose Driven Life book is about love! I'm coming to realize that this is a big deal! Not just in relationships and how to get along in life and being the greatest commandment, it's kinda like the secret of life! If you live a life truly loving god then everything is suppose to fall into place and I believe it does! If you love god you won't want to sin and do stupid things, this is what I’ve been praying for for at least a year! And now it's hitting me!
But how do you love god? Yes you show god love by obeying, him which you do out of love, but how do you fall in love w/ god? I realize he’s probably been “wooing” me since I was in the woomb (haha) but I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it at the moment…I'll keep you posted.

learning to love

gods been teaching me a lot, a lot about love. it all started when i went to charlotte for the weekend and hung out with a very special three year old, my niece; she is very near and dear to my heart (i try not to be obsessed) but she is three...and that is a very difficult age to me, she hasnt been this age yet so i havent yet learned how to deal w/ three year olds! but i learned that weekend what i thought was how to deal with three year olds but have been discovering its really how to deal with people! i noticed in stella if she was getting upset, or anytime, if i spoke to her out of love and not out of frustration she immediately responded positively!

since that weekend i have been slowly learning how to love everyone! how to speak to people out of love, how to give and receive love. it has been hard for me because i love all my friends and family very dearly, more than any words could describe but it is extremely hard for me to show love its not just three year olds that respond to it, its everyone!

"the greatest command is this, love the lord your god with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind"-the bible

"love each other or perish"-someone

somewhere in the bible it says the biggest thing to know is to know jesus, to know his every move which means youd have to love him. love him like your son, love him like your husband, love him like yourself.

lord i crave more of you! i desperately want to know you, and i want you to know me, i want to love you more than ive ever loved in my life! i need more!!!

i notice things

i notice a lot of things in life, if there is one thing i have learned from rob falvo it is how to notice things (and to not judge them as right and wrong but ill try not to get into that.) so what ive been noticing with this blog is that i have so much to say, i mean a lot of stuff goes through this head every day, but i dont want to just blab about something for a couple pages; every blog that ive seen are meaningful and have messages but im just not sure i work like that! i mean my brain isnt exactly organized like that, i just say what i feel and sometimes people will understand it and sometimes they just dont! theres a little bit of pressure here to perform here! (especially with grammer and puncuation-which im bad at.....) i just wont accept that, its my blog and if i want to ramble i can ramble! they're my feelings arent they? i can just do what i want with them!

now i have a lot of things to say, but i will try to keep it readable due to the fact that i know i wouldnt read something if its incredibly long. i feel i need to explain myself and let you get to know me (for those people who look at blogs of people they dont know) but im not going to do that. most of the people who are going to be reading this already know me so phoo! here are things that are new in my life

-ive gotten a job at Our Daily Bread, its great, i like it, i like to work. its a little stressful because im not comfortable there but the people are nice and im making a little money
-i just took some more headshots with my friend drn which are amazing!
-ive gained some weight (like 6 pounds) which is really bugging me and i cant go to the gym cause ive graduated so i have to find an alternative exercise routine.....which brings about
-eating.....i still struggle w/ eating habits, i thought i found the solution at the last morningstar retreat (asking god to enjoy what im eating) but ive still been overeating and just focusing on "it" too much-but-
-I'VE GRADUATED COLLEGE!!! and this is probably the biggest thing to happen in my life thus far (minus a couple of things) and im really proud of myself for making it through!

so those are the biggest things that i want to throw out there that are happening in my life; and maybe now i wont feel so intimidated to post on my own blog!

I've done it

I did it, i started a blog...ive been thinking about doing it for a while, and now ive done it. more on this later...