Phew...

I just had a pretty serious God moment just now.

I'm watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

you know that scene after Diggory is killed and Harry brings his body back,

and Harry is sobbing and clinging to Cedricks' body.

When everybody realizes what's happened and

Cedricks' father pushes his way thru the stands, stunned,

and cries, "my son..."

falls on his boy and screams

"my son!"

I can't imagine having a child and loosing it.

I can't imagine loosing one of my family members, one of my sib-kids.

It kind of puts into reality when Jesus gave up his spirit and faced hell,

his father looked over him and maybe cried,

"my son..."

as they were separated by the abyss.

Vacation...

I've been taking a vacation from adderall this week

I could probably sit on this couch all weekend

and not move :)

My first triathlon sprint

It. was. awesome.

I'm totally hooked.

I definitely want and plan to do more :)

(thats me in the blue suit and white cap)

(Don't have any pix of me biking)

Finished 245 out of 1,176 women

I think thats pretty good.

The biggest thing I learned was how much nutrition affects your

training and performance.

It's like night and day when you eat well and when you don't.

I've got so much more to learn but one of these days

I would love to not be eating nearly as much processed foods

and seriously cutting back on my dessert/sugar intake.

One of these days...

bah...

I'm trying not to freak out.

I feel like I could have a mental/physical breakdown at any moment.

Volatile.

But I'm trying to keep this in mind:

Graham Cooke

‎"Tension does not mean that something is wrong...it means that something is happening! It is important that we step back from the stress so that tension does not become a friction. Tension tells us that we are close to something in the purpose of God, so make it a positive experience or lose control to the enemy."

That and 2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Trying to not let this thing take hold of me.

My soul doth magnify the LORD

magnify -

to make something appear larger than it is

to increase in volume

intensify

exaggerate the importance or effect of

My soul doth intensify the LORD

My soul doth exaggerate the importance of and effect of the LORD

p.s.

extol -

praise enthusiastically

go into raptures about/over

praise to the skies

The Reaction

Okay, so I was teaching when the earthquake happened,

it kinda threw me off because it sounded like there had been a fairly serious car accident right outside my house...my townhouse on the end of a tiny road...

I didn't learn 'til after from that students parent that it had been an earthquake!

I was shocked that an earthquake had hit the east-side!

That was the first and probably last earthquake I'll ever feel.

But as I was talking to the mother she was saying how her husband is convinced the world will end next year and how their church is having a 12 week revival (hooyah!)

and we were joking that God is just warming up and after that revival

*poof*

we're all gone!

It is kinda funny to talk about but maybe just because none of us knows how/when/ or what it's going to be like so it's one of those awkward nervous jokes.

But it actually got me thinking that age old question

what would I do differently if I knew the whole world was going to end, say, next year?

Would I really do anything different?

Probably not much, I might try to enjoy life better, relax and not be so hard on myself.

But I'd probably still work, practice, freak out about work, train, eat healthily and unheathily.

I mean come on I'm still human.

I might try to enjoy the earth even though I know heaven will be WAY better.

I'd want all my friends to be in the right place (in their hearts I mean)

but I'm not sure how I'd do that if I knew they weren't with the Lord now.

I don't think I'm much of an evangelist (well the big bible-thumpin' kind)

but I am passionate, and may have a turn for the flair,

what about all those kids I teach, or the people I work with, or the people that are awkwardly uncomfortable to be around?

What could I do or what would I do different to show them God?

Anything?

The musicians quandary

Sonata I'm playing pt. 1

part 2

The guy I've been taking piano lessons from is truly

magnificent.

He's a technical master, a musician

he is always so encouraging and inspiring.

I have learned SO much from him already in playing and teaching.

And I'd love to take percussion lessons every now and again

but there doesn't seem to be anyone that I would want to take lessons from.

And especially someone like my piano teacher.

I look forward to practicing piano and making music

and learning how to control the instrument

and make it work for me not me work for it.

And I feel I might have lost that inspiration for percussion,

I mean, I love playing and I love learning

but I've got nothing to work for

no one to play for

I have no goals or accountability.

I guess I could take lessons from some old someone

but I don't want it to be counteractive.

Anyways, I want to learn how to take my piano knowledge

and use it in my percussive life, teaching wise especially.

I want to encourage and inspire my students so that they want to practice

so they want to put into effect what they've been learning.

Then you have the teenagers, and the kids who look like they don't care

what do you do with them??

I've got a lot to learn and a lot to do

but I want to be that percussion teacher who is like my piano teacher.

I want to encourage, inspire and motivate

even the most reluctant students!

Accountability

I've had ideas of a post about accountability

floating around in my head for a bit.

This one'll have to be good

so I'll really have to do some good construction on this one.

Oh, heart...

I let you get away from me tonight

I made you turn away from the one you truly love,

and the one who truly loves you back,

I took your guard down

and let you flirt.

It hurts

and I'm sorry.

I GOT A BIKE!!!

She's a beaut!

Specialized Dolce sport

white with plum

(I got a different seat because the one it came with-ouch)

I got Look pedals:

And Specialized shoes that look pretty close to these:

It took two hours to get fitted!

But thats just because I'm so petite, they said

...and maybe a bit picky.

But come on, this was my first bike!

I had a lot of questions and a few concerns.

I took it to the business park to practice clipping in and out of my pedals.

I think the hardest thing is when you first get on.

Oh, and in reference to the last post, boys!

boys-oh, boys-oh!

Holy Matrimony!

I had a good conversation with a really good friend today

about boys...

about our similar and different views on relationships.

I've dated, I had an official boyfriend in college

for one month :)

aaand I've had some unhealthy relationships with boys.

But now, I'm almost uninterested in dating.

I'm a to-the-point kinda girl

all or nothin'

I don't want to beat around the bush

I just want to meet a guy

fall in love

and get married

bam. bam. bam.

We talked about courting-

the establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind.

I'm not messing around

I have no desire to get into a relationship and tangle all sorts of heart strings

then figure out it's not right.

Even further, I don't like talking about boys in a dating sort of light.

Because even just talking about it

turns my heart strings into flailing octopus tentacles,

just dying to reach out and suction onto "love."

My heart can sometimes fall so easily into artificial "love"

It's messy, and not in the good kind

like when God messes around with your heart (thats good)

Ultimately it's lust

and I'm feeling 'lusted-out.'

The next relationship I have I deeply desire for it to be holy

and pure.

The last time I tried making a 'list' for my 'husband-to-be'

it ended up with like three things on it with the biggest being

he has to be like Jesus. He has to be passionately in love with Jesus.

I heard someone say this once and I like it;

I want to fall in love with the Jesus inside of him.

So I'm thankful that even though I feel social (and self) pressure to be married,

the Lord has really changed my heart lately to feel content with single-hood again.

It has to be Gods timing, and I'll just have to wait-no-trust. Ok.

Redeemed

I went to the doctor today

again!

I don't think I've been to the doctor twice in one year.....ever.

But I went to mom's doctor, hesitantly.

The nurses were nice, they always are.

super nice

and they called everyone sweet pea :)

They weighed me and I was happy with the number

and measured me....

I'll still round up.

The doctor was nice she sat with me and we talked for a good while

then I had to get my blood stolen.......

two times in one year!!!

I had to wait for, like, forever!

Trying to stay calm but since I was already so dizzy and fed up with it

I think I freaked out a little.

When I finally got in the room they made me sit there for Forever!!!

(slightly hyperventilating)

And when the nurse finally came in and tied that thing on my arm

and made me squeeze the ball! (which I've never had to do)

I couldn't squeeze very long and seriously felt like I was going to pass out.

...then I started crying

It's a certain kind of cry, like when you're dehydrated

and over-whatevered and you head gets funny

I just started crying I couldn't help it.

So we found a room I could lie down in.

Long story short it was fine, I didn't die,

my blood is perfect

(and they gave me a Sesame Street band-aid)

I'm a perfect specimen of human.

But we have no idea why I'm so dang dizzy!

to be continued...

Cathartic

I had a recital today,

Lord knows how much pressure I put on myself

and how I handle stress....not well.

But I played well for the circumstance,

and had a very good conversation with my folks on the way home.

(I will be eternally grateful for this time of learning

living with them...sometimes I'm a slow learner.)

I have a distorted body image

I'm obsessed with my mid-section

and am rarely satisfied by how it looks.

I struggle with binge eating

especially when I am by myself

ugh.

I do eat very healthy but binge on desserts.

It feels uncontrollable.

I hate it

and I always feel like crap after, mentally and physically.

I do workout a lot (training for this triathlon)

but I tend to schedule my workouts based on how I feel/

how I've eaten.

After poor eating days (or when I feel the fattest) I will schedule a bike ride

because it burns the most calories.

The next exercise that burns the most calories (at least I think)

swimming, I can push myself pretty hard.

Then running because my knees stink and I'm trying to build a 'base'

therefore it's slow and short.

My body image also affects my practice and performance

well, it really affects my whole life.

If I feel fat I'll suck my stomach in causing me to tense up

therefore play the worse.

But I think this is all coming up because, yes, I do want help

but also because I've been praying for healthy eating habits.

I feel like this is (almost uncontrollably) manifesting,

getting worse before it gets better.

I guess thats how it's suppose to go.

I'm over it

I'm ready to have good habits, feel good physically and emotionally.

Amen.

Traumatized

I had a doctors appointment this morning...

it. was. terrible.

they violated me in every way possible then kicked me out to the curb!

I've been an emotional wreck ever since

i cried the entire way home, ate my feelings

(i finished off every cookie in this house...ugh)

filled my prescription for Adderall,

installed a headlight,

and cried the rest of the day.

my arm is still sensitive.

i feel like i'm falling apart.

i'm starting add meds and feel completely alone

again.

what am i looking for taking this mess hmm???

what happens if i have a bad reaction?

what if i freaking die???

okay so that probably won't happen.

and it's probably going to be fine but honestly

i didn't even know how many pills to take

i had to freaking call the pharmacy

...way to go doc...

un. in. formed.

signed,

uninformed and clueless

...oy

Seeing in the spirit

I see things in my spirit

I could probably see things all the time if I paid attention

but unfortunately I think I've learned to tune it out.

Here are some things I've seen lately:

-Every time I drive down highway 218 I see these Giant angels

with their torsos in heaven and their legs on earth.

And they walk around with their long legs all over the farmlands of 218

and I think they're like hoses that go both ways

bringing stuff down from heaven and sending other stuff up.

-The last couple times I went to Port City Church in Wilmington

I've seen little angels in the rafters

and then a throne of Jesus! if you're looking at the stage it's to the right

and he's sitting in his throne which is high up on the wall.

-Last night when Robin was praying

I saw all of us in the congregation

our hearts were connected by tubes, flashing tubes,

then all our hearts turned to gold (and the flashing turned to gold)

then we got gold crowns on our heads

then we got gold sandals, then gold skirts and gold tops,

then gold swords! then gold shields!

and we stood all in gold ready for action!

The Case of the Adult Attention Deficit Disorder

Hi, my name is Stephanie

and I have adult ADD...

No, that's not it.

"It's just like having diabetes or high blood pressure

you can choose to treat it...

or go untreated."

"Just because it didn't exist 100 years ago

or even thirty years ago

doesn't mean it doesn't exist."

I'm just trying to get over my stigma

of being diagnosed with ADD

and not feeling like a child.

In my mind ADD = childlike

not being able to function at a normal adult level.

But maybe it's more like my body is just not producing

such-and-such chemicals

therefore I need these chemicals to balance that out.

Like insulin and diabetes.

I just kinda wish I could see a scan of my own brain

instead of just a science book picture.

Or maybe if I met some successful adults

living and coping with ADD

maybe it would make me feel better...

Crazy Town

To Med. or not To Med.

That is the question.

To go back on medication for ADD

Ugh, I have such mixed feelings about it

Let's see a pros and cons list :)

Pros:

I could: get more work done

practice longer

maybe get more schools to work at or more students

Cons:

Taking chemicals everyday

paying money for said chemicals (I'm very frugal you know)

Having to find the right dose=

possibly going through crazy town

(which is scary because who knows how I'll react to a certain dose or type of medicine=

who knows what will happen with work,

who knows what will happen with my body)

that is a big con

I don't like going to crazy town it's not a fun place

if I go back on Adderall will there be a crash?

if it's only 12 hours I have to fit everything I need to do into 12 hours

what about rehearsals after meds wear off?

Ritalin reactions are NOT OKAY!

Going through crazy town in high school was o.k.

going through crazy town during college was less o.k.

but going through crazy town as a young professional?!?

I can't ruin my reputation because of one bad dose

I can't lose any jobs because of one bad dose

I guess it's just fear of the unknown

but also fear of what happened in the past

and not knowing if it'll happen again...

Welcome to Crazy Town

I'm too excited to sleep

I'm going to start taking piano lessons again!

And I can't stop thinking about it.

(Or I just drank too much coffee this morning

and my tiny cup o' tea had too much caffeine this afternoon...

I'm very sensitive.)

Left behind...

Alright so I haven't posted in a while...sorry....

I'm just going to be honest here for a bit okay?

They want me to go back to this old psychologist I saw

back when I was in college and when I was a kid,

they want me to get tested for adult A.D.D.

I quit taking medicine in college because I just didn't want to be on meds forever.

An old roommate of my sisters prayed for me to be delivered

and I thought I was

Five or so years later I'm still playing through my old piano music

and listening to recordings of my favorite pieces

I used to play

and usually

I cry

what if I had been practicing all those years

I was so productive when I was taking medication.

I would practice for hours

and I loved it.

I was good and only getting better.

Now what?

I'm unmotivated, goal-less and my job is slow and irregular.

I don't want to go to the psychologist because

it makes me feel kinda dumb.

I don't want to be diagnosed with A.D.D. again because

that makes me feel like a child.

I don't want to feel like I've already failed at life.

I just want to be normal.