Things

Things that I thought about tonight:

Drinking from a water fountain is kinda like kissing;

you don't know how far the water is going to come up,

you don't know how far the other person is going to go,

you don't want to go in too fast and get your face soaked,

you don't want to go in too fast and bump heads.

I HATE seeing kids buy cigarettes

or smoke them.

(And I hate cigarettes)

I got a new scheduler!!!

The fight or flight mechanism

I've started coming to terms with the fact that I have

self-confidence issues....

I see it the most in social situations.

90% of the time I don't like to be social.

I mean I'm a social butterfly

but...only in certain situations.

I've figured it out,

if I feel like I'm (for lack of better word) the coolest

it's easy for me to float around and be social,

i.e. around folks older than me, say, 35 and up.

But with people my own age,

if I don't feel cooler than them I freak out

get super intimidated and don't quite know what to do with myself.

I guess I'm just afraid of getting put down.

Often enough I drive home in tears because of a bad "hang out" time.

I try to make myself look open and inviting,

I'll talk to people, and smile

a lot

I try to engage in conversations

but sometimes they just don't work

and the social situation feels like a waste of time, energy, and calories.

Then I feel frustrated because it was a waste of time

and sometimes I feel like in order to make friends

you have to "pay your dues"

with lame hang out times.

That it's just social networking just to get your name out there

so more people will know you and might want to be friends with you.

It's just like a business proposition!

You have to find people who might like your product

(you/your friendship)

and sell yourself!

And nights when you've been disappointed

I've tried to fight,

as much as I like to be rough and tough,

I just want to go to bed and pretend none of it happened...

flight

At the end of the day I don't want to sell myself,

I do that every day

I just want something to fall back on

some built in friends

I guess thats what family is for.

Silly Daydreams

I just had a silly daydream of playing timpani in an orchestra while being pregnant.

Trying to tune the drums with a big belly,

and what would happen if I went into labor during the last rehearsal before the concert??

They'd have to find a sub because,

"...Our timpanist went into labor"

I bet thats not something that happens often :)