Dearest future husband...

Please develop a baritone voice

Thanks.

The day before...

I didn't sleep well last night.

I was so uncomfortable

my neck hurt, my back hurt.

And I woke up this morning with my heart racing

and my hands shaking.

I've got my whole day planned out practically to the T

and I started envisioning the whole audition process.

I'm trying to keep any visions positive.

I'm already thinking about the phone call or email I get saying

whether I've won or lost.

I know how I will react either way.

I really want it.

Just trying to keep my heart rate down....

The audition process pt. 2

There are many times when I feel weighed down

There are times when I'm studying my music that I feel intelligent

There are many times I feel frustrated

There are a few times when I feel accomplished,

when I play a passage well from memory,

when my rolls sound okay,

better than yesterday...

Most of the time I don't think anybody understands what I'm going through

how could they?

No one close to me has ever auditioned for an orchestra.

Dad's probably the closest,

but men and women are so different.

I feel distanced

from everyone around me.

And I feel bad because I'm so completely consumed

by this whole process

that I can barely think about anything or anyone around me.

Which makes me feel selfish.

Is this healthy?

Being so consumed by something?

When I cry I just feel so tired

and so ready for this to be over.

I feel joy when I play something better than before,

when I get goosebumps playing

or when I'm just flat out tired and feel accomplished

after practicing all day.

The audition process

This audition (I started typing lesson)

could make my career,

it would do wonders for my career, my name,

and give me a step-up into ANY other orchestra, or job!,

in the world.

This is the most stressed I've probably ever been.

If i win this audition I could prove to people that I can do it.

That I'm good.

I'd be a twenty-four year old principal percussionist!

How many twenty-four year old musicians

can say that they're the principal of their section?

This is literally the job opportunity of my young life.

And I was fine

until last week...

then I started getting alllll emotional!

I'll cry at the drop of a hat,

get really ticked at tiny, tiny, things,

my stomach has been flipping for days,

and the audition...

is still 4 days away...

I'm starting to sympathize with pregnant women.