I've started coming to terms with the fact that I have
self-confidence issues....
I see it the most in social situations.
90% of the time I don't like to be social.
I mean I'm a social butterfly
but...only in certain situations.
I've figured it out,
if I feel like I'm (for lack of better word) the coolest
it's easy for me to float around and be social,
i.e. around folks older than me, say, 35 and up.
But with people my own age,
if I don't feel cooler than them I freak out
get super intimidated and don't quite know what to do with myself.
I guess I'm just afraid of getting put down.
Often enough I drive home in tears because of a bad "hang out" time.
I try to make myself look open and inviting,
I'll talk to people, and smile
a lot
I try to engage in conversations
but sometimes they just don't work
and the social situation feels like a waste of time, energy, and calories.
Then I feel frustrated because it was a waste of time
and sometimes I feel like in order to make friends
you have to "pay your dues"
with lame hang out times.
That it's just social networking just to get your name out there
so more people will know you and might want to be friends with you.
It's just like a business proposition!
You have to find people who might like your product
(you/your friendship)
and sell yourself!
And nights when you've been disappointed
I've tried to fight,
as much as I like to be rough and tough,
I just want to go to bed and pretend none of it happened...
flight
At the end of the day I don't want to sell myself,
I do that every day
I just want something to fall back on
some built in friends
I guess thats what family is for.
2 comments:
That is what family is for :)
Not like this is at ALL related.........
but you were great last night. It is true, sometimes the night might just be lame. It can't always rule, and I was sitting across from you thinking about the same thing. But even after a semi-possibly-lame night, sometimes the memory of being in a room full of great people is a nice thing to have, even if in the moment it felt awkward.
But you were really sweet, fun, and endearing, and good job stepping out on a limb! You were so confident. Don't ever stop taking risks and stepping out on limbs! Sometimes you might fall but...in a social context, there is always grace. And you probably won't fall. And even if you think you "fall", your definition of a fall will be something no one else will ever notice :)
Hope you don't mind that I'm posting this all on your blog- haha.
I can relate.
Just a reminder that you are loved and that I'm always here for you when you need me :)
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