Things

Things that I thought about tonight:

Drinking from a water fountain is kinda like kissing;

you don't know how far the water is going to come up,

you don't know how far the other person is going to go,

you don't want to go in too fast and get your face soaked,

you don't want to go in too fast and bump heads.

I HATE seeing kids buy cigarettes

or smoke them.

(And I hate cigarettes)

I got a new scheduler!!!

The fight or flight mechanism

I've started coming to terms with the fact that I have

self-confidence issues....

I see it the most in social situations.

90% of the time I don't like to be social.

I mean I'm a social butterfly

but...only in certain situations.

I've figured it out,

if I feel like I'm (for lack of better word) the coolest

it's easy for me to float around and be social,

i.e. around folks older than me, say, 35 and up.

But with people my own age,

if I don't feel cooler than them I freak out

get super intimidated and don't quite know what to do with myself.

I guess I'm just afraid of getting put down.

Often enough I drive home in tears because of a bad "hang out" time.

I try to make myself look open and inviting,

I'll talk to people, and smile

a lot

I try to engage in conversations

but sometimes they just don't work

and the social situation feels like a waste of time, energy, and calories.

Then I feel frustrated because it was a waste of time

and sometimes I feel like in order to make friends

you have to "pay your dues"

with lame hang out times.

That it's just social networking just to get your name out there

so more people will know you and might want to be friends with you.

It's just like a business proposition!

You have to find people who might like your product

(you/your friendship)

and sell yourself!

And nights when you've been disappointed

I've tried to fight,

as much as I like to be rough and tough,

I just want to go to bed and pretend none of it happened...

flight

At the end of the day I don't want to sell myself,

I do that every day

I just want something to fall back on

some built in friends

I guess thats what family is for.

Silly Daydreams

I just had a silly daydream of playing timpani in an orchestra while being pregnant.

Trying to tune the drums with a big belly,

and what would happen if I went into labor during the last rehearsal before the concert??

They'd have to find a sub because,

"...Our timpanist went into labor"

I bet thats not something that happens often :)

weird dream

I had a dream the other night that Ina Garten was in my house.

I cooked something and she was proud of me so she tucked me into bed :)

hahaha

Holding

Caution: this is a whiny post, MY 100TH POST, and a whiny one.

If any of you have ever been in a waiting, holding place in their lives

UGH

you know how this feels.

It's almost an anxiety

I'm so ready to move onto the next stage of my life

but I have no idea what that is!

I'd love to move on and be stable and excited about that stability.

Don't get me wrong I love teaching and playing gigs

but there is a lot of pressure being a musician,

you're either really good and motivated

or good enough to get by.

(which means you suck)

A lot of times it is freeing to think about quitting music.

But then I know I would still play and want to play

and want to be good, but

then get frustrated when I'm not good because I haven't practiced.

25

more on this later...

Psalm 46:10

He says, “Stop your striving and recognize that I am God!

I will be exalted over the nations! I will be exalted over the earth!”

Dearest future husband...

Please develop a baritone voice

Thanks.

The day before...

I didn't sleep well last night.

I was so uncomfortable

my neck hurt, my back hurt.

And I woke up this morning with my heart racing

and my hands shaking.

I've got my whole day planned out practically to the T

and I started envisioning the whole audition process.

I'm trying to keep any visions positive.

I'm already thinking about the phone call or email I get saying

whether I've won or lost.

I know how I will react either way.

I really want it.

Just trying to keep my heart rate down....

The audition process pt. 2

There are many times when I feel weighed down

There are times when I'm studying my music that I feel intelligent

There are many times I feel frustrated

There are a few times when I feel accomplished,

when I play a passage well from memory,

when my rolls sound okay,

better than yesterday...

Most of the time I don't think anybody understands what I'm going through

how could they?

No one close to me has ever auditioned for an orchestra.

Dad's probably the closest,

but men and women are so different.

I feel distanced

from everyone around me.

And I feel bad because I'm so completely consumed

by this whole process

that I can barely think about anything or anyone around me.

Which makes me feel selfish.

Is this healthy?

Being so consumed by something?

When I cry I just feel so tired

and so ready for this to be over.

I feel joy when I play something better than before,

when I get goosebumps playing

or when I'm just flat out tired and feel accomplished

after practicing all day.

The audition process

This audition (I started typing lesson)

could make my career,

it would do wonders for my career, my name,

and give me a step-up into ANY other orchestra, or job!,

in the world.

This is the most stressed I've probably ever been.

If i win this audition I could prove to people that I can do it.

That I'm good.

I'd be a twenty-four year old principal percussionist!

How many twenty-four year old musicians

can say that they're the principal of their section?

This is literally the job opportunity of my young life.

And I was fine

until last week...

then I started getting alllll emotional!

I'll cry at the drop of a hat,

get really ticked at tiny, tiny, things,

my stomach has been flipping for days,

and the audition...

is still 4 days away...

I'm starting to sympathize with pregnant women.

Check out this scenario

So I pull up to the HT about ten to eleven

and park next to a big white cadillac with

BMERCIFUL

written on the license plate.

And as I'm perusing through the grocery store

I hear a man talking,

I look over my shoulder to find a

heavy set man with a grocery cart

talking to someone on his bluetooth about,

"The Kingdom" and "Christ."

After hearing "The Kingdom"

it made me so happy inside I turned around

and flashed a big smile,

not only was I happy to hear a man

talking about The Kingdom

at eleven o'clock at night in the grocery store,

I was picking up Pin-Wheels for breakfast the next morning.

:)

I've been reading the book of Ruth the past two nights,

and I noticed the way that they talked to each other.

⁴ Just then Boaz arrived from Bethlehem and greeted the harvesters, "The LORD be with you!"
"The LORD bless you!" they called back.

When was the last time you greeted your friends or co-workers with

"The LORD be with you!"?

¹⁰ "The LORD bless you, my daughter," he replied.

¹ Then the elders and all those at the gate said, "We are witnesses. May the LORD make the woman who is coming into your home like Rachel and Leah, who together built up the house of Israel. May you have standing in Ephrathah and be famous in Bethlehem. ¹² Through the offspring the LORD gives you by this young woman, may your family be like that of Perez, whom Tamar bore to Judah."

Why don't we talk like that anymore?

What I'm reading:

My dads favorite book, I think it's pretty good too.

What I'm watching:

Don't laugh, it's good.

What I'm listening to:

Best.

Pool times:

Bike times:

Wanna know what's been on my mind lately?

Besides this ugly wasp sting

6 days after I was stung it looks like this?!

Turmoil.

Between being the principle percussionist in a small symphony

or staying with a prestigious community wind ensemble.

What's a girl to do???

Weird...

WARNING: Do not scroll down if you are easily weirded or grossed out.

Now,

Take a guess at what this is, 

go ahead I'll wait...

Is it a seed? Maybe.

A tiny speck of dirt? Probably.

Believe it or not it is actually a fraction of an umbilical cord,

my umbilical cord.

From when I was born.

twenty four (and 1/2) years ago.....

See that little hole on the left?

Next to that tiny black dot?

(Which, if you haven't guessed, 

is more umbilical cord that has yet to come out.)

Yup, it'll never be the same...

I'll probably remember this day forever.

Belly buttons are so cool.

Inspiration

What inspires you?

I've decided to keep some great books in my head to inspire me. 

I just finished Treasure Island,

   

 

Now fresh from the library is Gulliver's Travels

After that, Arabian Nights

Prepare to be inspired self.

Grad. School

Why am I applying for grad school

*WARNING: This might be long and boring but please stay with me if you have advice.

Why the heck am I thinking about going back to school? I never thought I'd go to college. I never really desired to go to college.

But I did, and I'm glad I did.

Reasons I think it'd be cool to get my masters:

I'd be the first of my sisters to have a masters degree.

I want to study under Bill M.

I always wanted to be like my dad, who has a Ph.d (although I really don't think thats going to happen)

I'd feel smart and accomplished.

I think I'd be a better musician.

It'd be cool!

What the heck am I thinking thinking about getting my masters:

I'd be paying over $10,000 a year mostly to study under one man

PAPERS!!!! I hate papers (more on this later)

Constantly driving to and fro from school to work to home and back=gas and car maintenance

It costs over $10,000 dollars for just one year of school!!!!

I don't want to get a loan.

Conducting??? I never saw that one coming...

The hard parts:

I know I'm not committed by submitting my application but if I decide not to go...I'd be saying no to Dr. Bill Malambri.

He says he really wants me there, I really respect him as a musician, he says I'm a good musician. Who wouldn't want to study under a man who says these things??

He likes me, he thinks I'm good, he is going after me to do this and as much as I hate to say it deep down my flesh wants his approval.

UGH!

In conclusion, getting my masters is kind of like paying $20,000 to feel cool.

What am I thinking???

What is normal?

I always get so inspired when I watch some movies. 

I just finished watching The Cat in the Hat 

and the whole idea of living a fanciful life was thrilling!

Other movies like The Pirates of the Caribbean, Willy Wonka...,

Hook or Peter Pan etc.

They make me want to go out and have an adventure!

And why shouldn't I?

I wasn't meant for a boring life!

I was created by a creative being!

I am called to create, live, love

have fun!

Dream dreams, have adventures,

play games.

I wasn't called to a life of dullness or boredom.

I'm called to live a heavenly life!

What could be more exciting than heaven???

I have visions of heaven,

and they are always way cooler than life on earth,

and we're called to live a heavenly life!

Screw living a boring life!

I want to truly live.

You Belong to Me

Sometimes God puts songs in my head to teach me about his love for me.

I was sitting around the other day
and this song popped into my head.
I hadn't thought about or heard this song in a long time,
but it reminded me of His love for me.


That no matter where I go,
what I see,
or what I've seen,
no matter how far I travel,
to the farthest ends of the earth and back,
or what fancy dreams pop into my head
He is always there.

I can try to run away,
but He is always wherever I go
and in everything I do.


And I belong to him.
Song of Solomon 6:3

Exodus 33:11

The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, 

as a man speaks with his friend.

Then Moses would return to the camp, 

but his young aide Joshua son of Nun

did not leave the tent.

Holy crap.

I can't imagine what it would be like to live Joshua's life.

Probably constantly living 

in and around the presence of the Lord.

(Or pretty darn close to constantly.) 

Maybe seeing God face to face every other day or so,

and living with the aftermath...

I don't know about you but if I saw Gods face

(just once!)

I might keel over.

Holy cow.

The First Easter

Have you ever wondered about what the angels were thinking 

during the whole "Easter" thing?

I'm sure they knew what was going on,

and what it was all about

but what was their reaction?

Were they rejoicing through the whole crucifixion?

Knowing that it was done in an insatiable love?

Were some of them in shock because maybe they

had never seen such atrocity?

Were they heartbroken to see the king of kings,

their lover,

brother,

father and master,

hanging in anguish, sadness and excruciating pain

carrying the enormous burden of the sins of the 

entire world?

Did they cry?

Did they turn their gaze?

Did they sing?

Dance?

Rejoice?

Did they doubt?

What were the angels thinking?

What was their reaction?

What is my thought and my reaction

knowing that Jesus took on

my sin

over 2000 years ago

so that 2000 years later 

I could live in freedom.

I can't even fathom...

That I may know you, really know you

You are all I need.

Only you can fill a land with void.

You are all I need.

You alone.

Affirmation

I've got to tell you what happened last night

and what God taught me last night.

I play in an ensemble made up of some of the best

current and past band directors.

Mostly older men.

Directed by a talented and passionate older gentleman.

Well, last night I was hanging out talking 

and noticed an old band director friend.

Another friend and I were talking about this man

and the first time we both met him

when all of a sudden

 I had a swoon attack.

Believe it or not

I swooned.

Hard.

Later on we finish rehearsal, I get in my car

and onto the road when I start feeling crummy.

So I start talking to God and asking him why am I feeling so crummy?

I thought back to rehearsal and realized 

I had gotten a lot of flattery before and after rehearsal.

From certain people and not from certain people;

but a lot of attention from older men.

And it dawned on me that I was craving

 affirmation and attention

from those older men I had been talking to.

So I was asking God why do I feel the need 

for affirmation and attention from these men?

I thought and thought and thought.

Then I called my grandad,

the wisest person I know,

and I asked him, and Ernie, why I was feeling this.

And they thought,

and my grandad said,

'Well don't you think men also want affirmation from women?'

'Well, yes.' I said.

'But it seems more prominent (needy) in women.'

They said that it's completely natural to want affirmation from the opposite sex

(keeping in mind to set boundaries, and know that your

true identity is in God alone.)

But woman was made from man,

and when a man and woman marry they are joined in a union.

A very powerful union

made by God.

And when you are together in this unity you are 

affirming each other without even using words.

So it is natural for our hearts to long for this godly unity.

Why does it happen to us women?

I guess we're just longing for that Genesis 2:24 covenant

to become one flesh.

A suitable helper.

I told my grandparents that sometimes 

it just seems to get in the way of things.

Boys, Onions, and other important matters

Okay, spring break part one = success.

Really awesome, amazing friends,

one niece that is too cute, 

two nephews that are just precious!

And a little bit of good family time.

I learned more about love languages

especially in my girl friends.

I learned more about my love languages. (plural)

And in general fell more in love with some great girls.

Fact:

My love languages are;

(in order)

quality time

physical touch.

Although I'm pretty easy and tested fairly even across the board

those are definitely my top two.

I love puppy piles, 

and for long periods of time.

But I also realized that my physical touch 

is

a little rough...

I enjoy fighting and I have tough skin.

(Cut me but I won't bleed.)

When I push I like to be pushed back

(iron sharpening iron.)

So, typically during girl quality time we talk about boys.

Surprise!

And it was concluded

that I want a strong man.

A man who will push back and win.

(Don't get me wrong here

he will treat me with love and respect.)

But when I fight him I want him to win,

maybe not every time,

but I can't have a pushover for a husband.

Period.

The key with this though is Jesus.

Listen, you know what I want

and you know, more than I do, what I need.

So this is me giving this to you.

It doesn't mean I won't pray about it any more

but I trust you and your timing.

One last thing,

onion breath takes forever to go away!

Spring Break!!!!!!!! (pt. 1)

So since I don't work in just one school, and since none of their spring breaks line up, my spring break will take up a couple of weekends until the end of school! :)

I'm super excited about it. It will consist of things like:

and this,

hopefully a little of this,

and possibly some of this,

I couldn't be more excited.

Right now...

What I'm listening to right now:

I'd never seen the ballet until now. 

Fact: I love male dancers (not in the "they're sexy" way 

but in the way their bodies are so rectangular, i love 

lines.)

The human body is SO cool, 

and secretly I wish they were all robots that would make my day...

also I love the end of this piece.

What I love right now:

(Pookie)

Really awesome friends who speak truth to my heart.

I also really love Love.

a.k.a. Jesus

He's really great.

Just sayin'

What do you say when you run out of thanks

What do you say when you run out of thanks,

What do you say 

when there are too many things to be thankful for?

What do you say when you are being constantly blessed,

when everything seems like it is going God's way,

when before you even finish saying 'thank you' for one thing

5 more things happen to be thankful for?

How can I thank a God who LITERALLY gives me everything?

How can I thank a God who literally provides EVERYTHING for me?

How do you thank a God who pours out in abundance

everything and anything you've ever wanted 

then everything else you can't even think of!

How do you thank a God who already knows, before you do,

everything you need 

and

everything you want?

How do you thank a GOD who will give you almost anything you ask

and give you anything you pursue?

And on top of that...

He thinks I am the COOLEST person in the world!

cool...

Yes

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule." Matt. 5:3 Mess.

Psalm 119:9-16

9-16 How can a young person live a clean life? 
      By carefully reading the map of your Word. 
   I'm single-minded in pursuit of you; 
      don't let me miss the road signs you've posted. 
   I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart 
      so I won't sin myself bankrupt. 
   Be blessed, God; 
      train me in your ways of wise living. 
   I'll transfer to my lips 
      all the counsel that comes from your mouth; 
   I delight far more in what you tell me about living 
      than in gathering a pile of riches. 
   I ponder every morsel of wisdom from you, 
      I attentively watch how you've done it. 
   I relish everything you've told me of life, 
      I won't forget a word of it.

⁹ How can a young man keep his way pure? 
       By living according to your word.

 ¹⁰ I seek you with all my heart; 
       do not let me stray from your commands.

 ¹¹ I have hidden your word in my heart 
       that I might not sin against you.

 ¹² Praise be to you, O LORD; 
       teach me your decrees.

 ¹³ With my lips I recount 
       all the laws that come from your mouth.

 ¹⁴ I rejoice in following your statutes 
       as one rejoices in great riches.

 ¹⁵ I meditate on your precepts 
       and consider your ways.

 ¹⁶ I delight in your decrees; 
       I will not neglect your word.

Crunch

I'm really excited about breakfast tomorrow.

Home:

Here's the thing about living alone

it's lonely...

During the day, it's magical!

Come night-time,

it's quiet.

Update:

Just an update for all three of you who read this thing :) 

So far this week I haven't died. 

Tomorrow is my long day, starting out with high school, so we'll see what happens after tomorrow.

But I've decided to trust God. 

I will trust Him with my income and I'll trust Him with my "outcome" (taxes.) 

I trust that he will tell me what to say and what to do while I'm teaching and dealing with difficult students and colleagues. And I'm always praying for fun spontaneous things to do during breaks. 

I'm also praying for more of Him due to this ravenous spiritual hunger (it literally can not be quenched. Thank God.)

So, we'll see what happens.